Tuesday, December 22, 2015

8 Commandments for Surviving Christmas Custody

According to the U.S. Census Bureau via CNN, there are an estimated four million divorced parents in the United States. Based on those numbers, many have experience in coordinating Christmas custody. Christmas is already stressful enough without having to deal with not having your kid around. Sure, there are those moments when you beg for five seconds of peace without hearing your name chanted over and over ... But then there are those moments when you catch a break, when your ex has the children. Those type moments may not come around too often, so, I'm offering you a set of commandments to follow so that you can have a sound mind and actually enjoy Christmas.

 These are commandments that I have used in my seven years of sharing custody during the holidays. Some are easier said than done, but I noticed that as I trudged through them, sometimes through tears, I felt better about myself as a person, a parent and an ex. And, yes, there are only 8. I cannot out shine God, so here are my 8:

 Thou shall not call your ex every second of Christmas day Don't be weird!

 Let the non custodial parent have this time with your child. Call one time to wish your child a Merry Christmas. This lets your child know that you are thinking of them, miss them and can't wait to celebrate Christmas all over again with them once they return.

 Thou shall not feel guilty

Many divorced parents feel guilty, especially during the holidays. Ditch the guilt; it gets in the way of having a great and positive relationship with your kid.

 Thou shall not sit around and sulk

 Stop it. You are wasting time! Tis the season, get on with the holiday cheer. Trust me, your kid is not sulking, so why should you? Enjoy the season.

 Thou shall enjoy your time

 I am sure you've uttered the words, "If I could only get some free time." Well, here's your chance! Use this time to refuel. This is time for you to nurture yourself. Just think, you could read that book you just unwrapped on Christmas morning. Or lay in bed and watch the constant stream of A Christmas Story. The possibilities are endless!

 Thou shall feel whatever emotions thou art feeling

 Feel your feelings, just not in front of the child. There are a range of emotions you may feel leading up to the time your time leaves to certain feelings upon their return. This is okay because bottling your feelings could do more harm than good.

 Thou shall reassure the child

 Some children may feel uneasy about actually enjoying their time with the non custodial family. Some may feel as if they are choosing sides and leaving the custodial parent alone. Reassure the child that you will be just fine, even if you have to fake it. Children should not have to feel the heavy burden of guilt.

 Thou shall celebrate Christmas twice in one month

 Twice is nice! Once your child returns, have Christmas all over again by letting them unwrap the presents Santa dropped off. This could be a great way for the child to transition back home. Speaking of transition ...

 Thou shall be ready for the kid to have an attitude once they return

 Just as we parents feel a range of emotions with Christmas custody, kids may experience emotions once it's time to return home. Kids can be torn between wanting to stay with both parents. They, sometimes, aren't able to express themselves and can act out. Take this into consideration when they display certain outbursts or "lash out episodes" once they return home. By then, you should be refueled and ready to take on the world! Okay, breath.

 Christmas only happens once a year. Remember, your child needs you just as much as they need their non custodial parent. I know that every situation is different and you as the custodial parent must do what is right for the child.--- 

Friday, December 4, 2015

Movie Friday

Inherit the Wind (1960)
Two grand old lions of the screen, Spencer Tracy and Frederic March, play two grand old lions of the law, Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan, as they grapple in the historic 1925 Scopes “monkey trial” in backwoods Dayton, Tenn.
The film, adapted from a 1955 play by Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee, is a fictionalized account, and the characters’ names are changed, however slightly (Tracy’s Darrow is Henry Drummond, and March’s Bryan is Matthew Harrison Brady).
But much of the courtroom testimony was taken straight from the trial transcript. Nor have Americans evolved much; 80 years later a federal judge in Pennsylvania was forced to rule on “intelligent design.”
TRIVIA: “He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind.” Proverbs 11:29

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Financial Tips for People Facing Divorce

There is nothing simple about divorce. More than likely, you feel as though all aspects of your life are in turmoil -- from your family to your emotional well-being to your finances. With the exception of child custody issues, the financial impact of divorce is usually the most frightening part of ending a marriage. How many of us feel truly confident when it comes to handling our finances while we're married? Add a divorce into the equation and it's even more confusing and scary. Your head is probably spinning with questions. Will I be able to support myself? Will I have to go back to work or find a higher-paying job? Will I lose my home? And, if I keep my home, will I be able to afford it? While it is tempting to allow fear to paralyze us, your financial future will be much more secure if you educate and empower yourself.

Here are seven steps to take as soon as you are confronted with a divorce.

Make copies of all financial statements and records. While your checking and savings accounts may be obvious, don't forget to include 401(k)s and retirement accounts, insurance policies, tax returns, mortgage statements, and any other documents relating to your finances. Once you gather them together, be sure to store them in a safe place.

Know your assets and liabilities. Write down everything you own and everything you owe. Most assets and liabilities accumulated during the marriage are community property and community debt. Both you and your spouse are equally responsible -- no matter who racked up that credit card bill -- and if one of you defaults on a community debt after the marriage, the other may be held liable.

Pull your credit report. Work on improving your credit if it is less than stellar. If you don't have credit in your name alone, begin to establish it now.

Open your own credit card and bank account. Be sure, however, to not incur any additional debt.

 Manage joint accounts closely. If at all possible, work with your spouse to pay down debts and lower liabilities. Spouses behaving badly often run up credit card bills or withdraw funds in joint accounts. Check your balances regularly and close joint accounts when you can.

Understand that not all property is created equal. A home appraised at $700,000 is not the financial equivalent of a retirement account with a present value of $700,000 or a family-owned business that grosses $700,000 a year. Before agreeing to give up or to keep an asset, you must know its tax consequences, cost basis and current value.

Create a budget. A budget will do two things: It will give you a realistic picture of what you'll need to live on and will also help in your settlement negotiations. The sooner you're able to reduce unnecessary spending and realistically asses your money, the better your financial situation will be. Talk to a financial expert who specializes in divorce. A divorce can cause us to think emotionally rather than logically. A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst or a Financial Advisor who is experienced with divorce financial planning can help you to clarify your goals, build your financial future and offer you peace of mind.

Monday, November 30, 2015

12 Reminders To Be Grateful For Your Ex This Thanksgiving

Divorced, but still grateful.



This Thanksgiving, we asked HuffPost Divorce readers to reflect on what makes them grateful for their exes. In the roundup below, they share the reasons they're thankful to have met their former spouses, even if their marriages didn't last.

 1. "I definitely came out of my shell while with him. He helped me to see and experience new things and to be more open to things. I'm grateful for that! I'm also thankful for him leaving me. It made me realize how resilient I am and I am happier than I have ever been." -- Jessica Sprankle

 2. "I am grateful my ex-husband said he wanted a divorce. The end of our marriage has led me -- unapologetically -- back to myself." -- Becky Cavender

 3. "The popular answer always seems to be that divorced people are grateful for their exes, because if not for them, they wouldn’t have their children. That’s certainly up there on my list but more than that, I’m grateful to my ex because he truly, madly loved me and taught me how to do the same back." -- Lynsey Mattingly

 4. "Of course I'm grateful to my ex for my son. And I'm thankful that he showed me true love during our marriage and showed me that I am lovable." -- Victoria Jo

 5. "I am thankful to my ex for our two wonderful and healthy children. And I'm grateful I have a second chance to live life differently." -- Barry Fraser

 6. "I'm thankful that he is a loving man who is strong enough to co-parent with me in a way that shows our daughter that broken things can be fixed -- maybe not back to the way they were before -- but in a way that is still loving and kind." -- Candice Curry

 7. "During our 30-year marriage, I begged my ex a thousand times to 'put down that book and talk to me!' How ironic that my anguish morphed into the trait I’m most thankful for in him today. My two daughters watched as my ex devoured 600 page historical novels. They saw him lift his head and exclaim, 'Listen to this!' and expound on some detail. Today, in their 30s, my daughters are history buffs, passionate readers, and lovers of The Great Books. When I watch them read astounding passages to each other, I know his legacy continues, and I’m thankful." -- Katherine Forsythe

 8. "I'm thankful that he was better at the newborn phase with kids than I was. We were in a blissful part of our marriage and I look back at that time with gratitude." -- Vanessa Lee

 9. "I'm grateful my ex is a loving and kind father to our son -- the kind of father who is present. Even though we were divorced when our son was only 2 years old, my ex never lost sight of fatherhood; in fact, our son was, and remains, his priority. We've shared 50-50 custody for over 13 years and our son is growing into a young man we're all proud of. I know this is because we worked together to make it happen." -- Shelley Wetton

 10. "I'm thankful for my ex because I have been able to start my life over again and make changes that have allowed me to become a better person and follow my dreams. Without our divorce, I would not be as strong as I am today." -- Shannon Ferguson

 11. "When I got a job opportunity 500 miles away, my ex said take it and allowed me to take our son with me. He pushed for a year to get a transfer with his company and he now lives here, too. He uprooted his life to be close to his son and allowed me to follow my career. We were able to resume 50/50 custody and I had the most amazing life experiences through this job, which is also where I met my wonderful husband. He could have just pointed to the court papers and said 'you can't move more than 25 miles away' but he said 'you need to do this.'" -- Heather Leiva

 12. "I am thankful that my ex-husband and I were able to maintain a very positive relationship during and after our divorce, unlike so many other exes. He and I salvaged the friendship that drew us together in the beginning." -- Robin DesCamp

Friday, November 27, 2015

Movie Friday

A movie about The Devil and  A Lawyer, a match made in heaven, some may say.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

7 Types Of Marriage Betrayal That Are Often Overlooked

When people think of cheating in a relationship, physical infidelity is usually the first thing that comes to mind. But as marriage therapist Christine Wilke has seen firsthand, there are other less obvious ways spouses can break their marital bond. Many are just as damaging as affairs. "Affairs can lead to a hardcore exit for many," the Pennsylvania-based therapist said. "But exits from a marriage can also occur when couples engage in subtle little diversions that enable them to avoid true intimacy with each other." Below, Wilke and other relationship experts share seven ways you may be betraying your spouse without even realizing it.

 1. You always put the kids first.

Who comes first in your life, your spouse or the kids? While you should prioritize your kids' needs, putting too much focus on them could cheat your spouse out of your energy and full presence, said Otto Collins, a relationship coach who co-authored the book Passionate Spark, Lasting Love with his wife Susie. "You think focusing on your kids and other obligations will strengthen and make your relationship better but instead the exact opposite happens," said Collins. "You and your spouse end up becoming strangers who pass each other in the hallway and passion and connection withers and dies. You may love each other but you're not 'in love' anymore largely because you've neglected the relationship without even realizing it."

 2. You emotionally cheat by confiding in someone else. 

Your spouse should be your emotional confidante, the sounding board you turn to when you need to share just about anything. If you start emotionally opening up to someone else -- especially someone you're attracted to -- you could be well on your way to having an emotional affair, said Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Foojan Zeine. (It's especially bad if you start sharing unflattering details about your relationship with this new person.) "When a partner begins to give that special place of friendship, closeness and intimacy to another person, we feel cheated," she said. "Your spouse shouldn't take the place of your best friends, but he or she needs to have the security and openness of being the person you turn to the most. To foster a close emotional relationship that goes over and above what you have with your partner feels like a betrayal."

 3. You're glued to your phone all day.

It doesn't matter if you're sifting through important work emails or texting your buddies about fantasy football picks, spending an excessive amount of time on your phone when you're in the company of your spouse sends a clear message to him or her: I could be spending my downtime with you, but I'd rather be on my phone. "Everyone needs downtime and these activities help us to decompress but they become troublesome when they are substitutes for meaningful interaction with your spouse," Wilke said. "Ask yourself: Am I spending more time perusing social media than talking to my spouse?"

 4. You cheat on your spouse financially.

 Those secret credit card purchases you've been making behind your spouse's back are bound to come to light eventually -- and when they do, it could spell major trouble. A 2011 study conducted by the National Endowment for Financial Education found that 68 percent of the time, financial infidelity had a negative impact on relationships, with 16 percent of marriages ending because of it. "When one mate withholds financial information, it breaks down the fundamental trust in their partnership," said Zeine. "The partner who has to pay the consequence of the other’s financial actions usually feels cheated. Lack of transparency in this area leads to minimum trust. You no longer feel like part of a team."

 5. You spend more time with your friends than with your spouse.

Having hobbies and interests outside of your marriage is important -- and being together 24/7 isn't exactly healthy. But it's a problem when your spouse feels as though he or she has taken a backseat to nearly everything else in your life, especially your friends. Otto Collins said he's learned this firsthand. "Many years ago, when I was much younger and still married to my first wife, I went to 26 concerts in one year (mostly without her) while she was home taking care of our young son," he recalled. " The marriage broke up for many reasons but the fact is that I put outside activities above the relationship, which didn't help. Putting close friends before your spouse creates distance and mistrust between the two of you, which could harm your relationship."

 6. You rant about your spouse to others.

 You may think venting to friends about your husband's annoying grooming habits is harmless, but a small betrayal of trust occurs any time you say something to friends or family that derides your spouse, said relationship coach Susie Collins. "My husband and I have a rule in our relationship that we teach to all of our coaching clients: never ever say or do anything when you're not with your partner that you wouldn't say or do if they were standing right beside you," she said. "Many people think it's healthy to 'unload' or just connect with friends by revealing their partner's innermost secrets or sins but it always backfires. Even if your spouse never finds out what you said, it creates coldness between the two of you that you may not even be aware of." 

7. You stonewall your spouse.

 Stonewalling your spouse -- becoming defensive and withdrawing from an interaction or argument instead of talking it though -- can be extremely harmful to your relationship, said Zeine. "Withholding thoughts, beliefs and emotions contradicts the purpose of our intimate relationships," she said. "When a spouse gives the silent treatment or says 'nothing is wrong' when there is something wrong, you feel powerless against the wall that is put up. You feel cheated by your mate having the power to shut you down and close any ways of moving closer." And when you don't speak up, the worst is usually assumed, she said. "The passive-aggressive silent treatment gives our mate the space to interpret whatever they want about us. In times of hurt and anger, the assumptions and interpretations are usually very one sided and self-serving," she said

 Brittany Wong Divorce Editor, The Huffington Post

Friday, November 20, 2015

Movie Friday

A young lawyer defends a black man accused of murdering two men who raped his 10-year-old daughter, sparking a rebirth of the K.K.K.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

US Colleges--the Culture of Entitlement

(CNN)We can avoid it no longer. The crisis in academia has reached a boiling point. Too many students are wasting their educational years going to college -- and earning degrees in self-indulgence. The academic institutionalization of entitlement is lobotomizing America's kids. If I had been a black college student at the University of Missouri last week,

 I hope I would have had the courage and conscience to support their effort to end the school's vestigial racism. In some twisted "Twilight Zone" anomaly, on this campus, the South won the Civil War. It's impossible to read the students' heartfelt reports of discrimination and not share their anger and pain. I also hope I would have resisted student demands to institutionalize their intolerance by censuring speech, muscling journalists, demanding confessions of "white privilege," and requiring "safe spaces" fenced by race.

 As ridiculous as it sounds, the expression of legitimate grievances at Mizzou has devolved into ultimatums that we protect college students from life's real brutalities -- sombrero-themed trick-or-treating, other offensive Halloween costumes, and politically indecorous language.

 At least at Yale University, freedom of expression has been preserved: It's in a bottle of formaldehyde in the Department of Outdated Privilege. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Yale will not allow mean words to hurt. Don't be too quick to judge Yale protesters Don't be too quick to judge Yale protesters (Opinion) An early-childhood education researcher at Yale was concerned that her helicopter-parenting university was "afraid that college students are unable to decide how to dress themselves on Halloween." I doubt this is how Yale produced five presidents. Erika Christakis wrote an email to students recommending radical advancement: Lighten up, academe, and trust students to pick out their get-ups.

 Christakis suggested that Halloween costumes should be allowed to scare people and, in ghastly moments, even offend them. She wrote, "Free speech and the ability to tolerate offense are the hallmarks of a free and open society." Crazy talk, a student responded. "It is not about creating an intellectual space! It is not! Do you understand that? It's about creating a home here!" An intellectual debate? In academia? Get over it! So much for preparing our kids for thoughtful, independent lives by exposing them to the world and its challenges. In academia, we no longer put steel to stone to hone edges. We sharpen the next generation on mashed potatoes.

 On campuses, speakers who don't echo what students revere have suddenly found themselves nixed from college forums. Even Condi Rice, the first female African-American secretary of state, and first female National Security Advisor to a U.S. president, was not tolerated by advocates of tolerance at Rutgers. That university pledges to "challenge and support our students to think critically ... and make informed choices" -- unless informed thoughts make waves.

 Where did today's under- and upper-classmen, sorry, under- and upper-class-people, get the idea they are entitled to rich, full lives in "safe spaces," where their success and superiority is unthreatened? From yesterday's college students, their indulgent parents. Boomers built this soft culture of entitlement, where great things are expected, but few have to be earned. Today's students are the sons and daughters of parents who refused to face the consequences of their irresponsible social choices and poor economic decisions.

A $20 trillion debt? That's not a problem: It was the solution America preferred over paying its bills and working to renew its economy. Now, we are all entitled to "safe economic spaces" where no one should be denied a $15 minimum wage, our neighbors must pay for our health care, and our retirements are magically guaranteed. Perhaps I have it backward: Maybe college is preparing them, if only for the entitled lives they have been promised for participating. At the University of Connecticut, students can claim a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Puppetry. At Skidmore, you can twerk to "The Sociology of Miley Cyrus." At Brown, there is a course "On Being Bored." At Occidental, in a rare victory for truth in marketing, they can take a course in "Stupidity." We are sending the next generation into the world, but not with diplomas of what they can contribute. Instead, on their foreheads, they wear a "Scarlet E," an emblem of what they are entitled to get. When colleges make it their business to stop teaching and start agreeing with students, they surrender their purpose: their opportunity to enrich a young student's development. In this bizarre world of academic cowardice, we see college presidents tested by students, and students running our universities.

Our children have embraced our entitlement culture, enjoying its calories without the guilt. Every country should have a president. One day, we will, too. He will show up when we need him, to address issues of importance. If we had a real president now, he would have gone to the University of Missouri and done more than bathe Mizzou protesters in praise. He would have reminded impressionable students that the "black zones" they demand are no different than segregation. He would have informed them that, in silencing others, we eventually mute ourselves. He would have explained that we defeat immorality and injustice by confronting them, not by avoiding the fierce heat of debate. But that is too much to ask. Where would young, black students in Missouri find a president like that today? Alex Castellanos


Monday, November 16, 2015

Hiding behind a religion, tear away the facade

The way I look at it, the extremists Muslims have hijacked a religion, in order to hide behind it. What they stand for is an ideology, just like the Nazis. After WWII, the Nazis were tried, executed and jailed. They were hunted down, and are still being hunted down, the same thing should happen to those who espouse terrorism and the murder of innocents, based on an ideology.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Movie Friday

A TV movie that explores the conflicting laws on adoption, custody and parental rights.  The case on which the movie is based, led to laws preventing convicted murderers from seeing their children, where the victim was the mother or father of the children.

Monday, November 9, 2015

John Oliver Slams the Criminal Justice System for Setting Former Prisoners Up to Fail

On Sunday, John Oliver dedicated his show to exposing yet another aspect of our broken criminal justice system, this time focusing on what happens to former offenders once they leave prison and attempt to re-enter society. As the Last Week Tonight host explained, it's an especially timely issue that comes on the heels of the government's recent release of 6,000 federal inmates once accused of committing low-level crimes.



"The fact that around half of people who leave prison end up going back is horrifying, but when you look at the challenges they face, it gets a little less surprising," Oliver said. "In fact, let me walk you through what it's like when you get out of prison—and let's just start with minute one, because when inmates exit that gate to start a new life, they could find themselves in the middle of nowhere, with little to nothing in their pockets."

 Oliver then sat down with a former prisoner, Bilal Chatman, to help address the seemingly unending number of obstacles he and countless others faced upon leaving prison—starting with society's negative approach to ex-inmates.

 "People are judgmental—people that don't know," Chatman said. "I don't want anybody to look at me as the ex-con. I want them to look at the person I am now. I'm a supervisor. I'm a good employee, I'm an employer."--From Mother Jones

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

In a first, de facto parent is granted shared custody

Non-biological parent prevails in dispute with her same-sex ex-partner

 By: Brandon Gee October 15, 2015 DeSantis

A woman is entitled to shared custody of two children she jointly raised during and after a same-sex relationship with their biological mother, a Probate & Family Court judge has ruled in a case of first impression. While the parties agreed that the plaintiff qualified as a “de facto parent” to the children under Massachusetts case law, the defendant biological mother argued that it was not within the power of the court to award shared legal custody to a de facto parent. Judge John D. Casey disagreed. “Both parties have been equal parents to the children throughout their lives and should be afforded equal parental rights upon their separation,” he wrote. “The Court finds the authority to make such an award in the Court’s equity jurisdiction.”

The 36-page decision is Partanen v. Gallagher, Lawyers Weekly No. 15-005-15. The full text of the ruling can be ordered by calling 617-218-8305. New ground Lawyers say the ruling is the first in Massachusetts to award joint child custody to a de facto parent. “The dispute they brought to the judge was not whether she was a de facto parent, but, given her de facto status, was she able to share custody?” said Boston’s Pasquale DeSantis, a family law practitioner who was not involved in the case. “To date, no court has given a de facto parent shared custody or sole custody.” The plaintiff was represented by Elizabeth A. Roberts of Boston and Teresa M. Harkins La Vita of Danvers. They and other lawyers who lauded the decision said it helps fill a statutory gap in Massachusetts for dealing with custody issues that arise when unwed same-sex couples — specifically those who use assisted reproductive technology to have children — separate. Prior to Casey’s decision, La Vita said, non-biological parents were treated as second-class parents. “She doesn’t fit into the statutory scheme in the way other couples do,” La Vita said of her client. “The judge had to use equity here because the Legislature hasn’t acted for people like her yet.” La Vita said she hopes the decision will prove useful to other parents in similar situations who might now point to it in pushing for shared custody instead of settling for visitation. “It’s given family law attorneys a good beacon to guide our ship into port when we have these kind of cases,” Winthrop family lawyer Edward L. Amaral Jr. said.

 Boston lawyer Mary Beth L. Sweeney, who was co-counsel for the defendant biological mother, said she, too, expects the case to impact other litigants — but in a negative way. “It’s a monumental deviation from existing law,” Sweeney said. “The question going forward is whether such a drastic decision should be dictated by the judicial branch, or the Legislature through a change of the law.” Sweeney also rejected attempts to cast the issue as one of gay rights, claiming the decision will “weaken” biological parents’ rights regardless of their situation. “It’s not only gays and lesbians who can seek de facto parentage,” Sweeney said.

As defined in the 1999 Appeals Court case E.N.O. v. L.M.M., a de facto parent is “one who has no biological relation to the child, but has participated in the child’s life as a member of the child’s family. The de facto parent resides with the child and, with the consent and encouragement of the legal parent, performs a share of caretaking functions at least as great as the legal parent.” Sweeney warned that Casey’s decision could create a slippery slope by encouraging de facto parents — no matter the age of the children or how long the de facto parent has been in their lives — to seek custody after their relationships with biological parents end. She further rejected the notion that there is a gap that needs filling in Massachusetts, noting that the parties could have taken any number of steps to provide the plaintiff with parental rights before her relationship with the defendant biological mother ended. For example, the couple could have agreed to add the plaintiff’s name to the children’s Florida birth certificates, gotten married once they moved to Massachusetts, or arranged to have the plaintiff formally adopt the children.

 But other lawyers said the main function of the Probate & Family Court in custody battles is to protect the best interests of children, who know and care little about the formal legal actions taken by those they consider their parents. In Partanen, the plaintiff was deeply involved in the decision to have children, personally performed one of the artificial inseminations of the defendant, was present at both births, lived with the children and biological mother, shared child-rearing duties, and was held out as a parent to the public, health care providers, school officials and others. “I think it’s a really helpful and natural progression in our jurisprudence,” Cambridge lawyer Patience W. Crozier said of the decision. “Family law in the court needs to protect children and the parental relationships they know and depend on.” Equity judgment Roberts, the plaintiff’s co-counsel, said the judge’s decision to apply a gender-neutral reading of the Massachusetts paternity statute in reaching his ruling was one of the most significant aspects of the case. “Any time you can see an intact family preserved in the eyes of the law is a good day,” Roberts said. “As lawyers, it’s very rare that you get to [address] a gray, unsettled area of the law.”

Sweeney said the defendant is evaluating whether to appeal. If she does, the case could be consolidated with a related action the plaintiff filed, a previously dismissed motion for a determination of parentage that has been appealed but not yet docketed. In the related matter, the plaintiff is represented by Boston-based Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders. GLAD lawyer Jennifer L. Levi said while they ultimately hope to prevail on the motion for a determination of full parentage, Casey’s decision is helpful in the interim. “It’s a very important victory,” Levi said. “The children in this case just simply viewed [the plaintiff] as ‘mommy.’ … It’s important to [all] couples who bring children into the world and raise them together and then split up and have conflict over allowing the non-birth-parent to be fully involved in the children’s life. From a child’s perspective, this decision is hugely important because it is looking at the way people are functioning.

 If you are acting like a parent, the court will recognize that and ensure you continue in that role.” History and legal analysis From the time they decided to have children while living in Florida, plaintiff Karen Partanen and defendant Julie Gallagher had mutual responsibility and involvement in major decisions regarding the welfare of their children, Jordan and James. That continued after the couple moved to Massachusetts and eventually split up. Even after parenting conflicts arose, the couple agreed that Partanen, the non-biological parent, was a de facto parent to the children. They disputed whether a de facto parent could seek custodial rights. “The [Supreme Judicial Court] has not yet specifically reached the issue of whether a de facto parent may be awarded shared legal and physical custody,” Casey wrote. “In a footnote of a recent unpublished decision of the Appeals Court of Massachusetts, the Court suggested that the issue of whether a de facto parent may be awarded custody is still an undecided question.”

The SJC has ruled, however, in a custody battle between a biological parent and a de facto parent. In its 2009 decision in R.D. v. A.H., the SJC determined that a judge “correctly ruled that the de facto parent, in seeking appointment as permanent guardian with custody, has the burden of proving by clear and convincing evidence that the legal parent was legally unfit.” In that case, the SJC looked to the statute governing custody awards for children born out of wedlock, G.L.c. 209C, §10, and construed the word “parent” to mean “biological parent.”

Probate Court Judge Casey did not feel bound by that determination, however. “The Court finds that the present case is distinguishable from R.D. v. A.H.,” Casey wrote. “Unlike R.D., Karen did not enter the children’s lives after they were several years old. Karen was part of the decision to create a family. Karen and Julie presented themselves to medical providers as partners who were starting a family. Although at various points prior to this litigation, marriage and adoption were options for the parties, both these options require assent.” Casey noted that while R.D. brought her petition for custody under the guardianship statute, Partanen brought a complaint to establish de facto parentage pursuant to the court’s equity jurisdiction. The judge also pointed out that other jurisdictions “have held that de facto parents have the same rights and responsibilities as a biological or adoptive parent, including the right of shared legal custody if it is in the children’s best interests.” “Both parties have been equal parents to the children throughout their lives and should be afforded equal parental rights upon their separation,” Casey wrote. “The Court finds the authority to make such an award in the Court’s equity jurisdiction.” In addition to the court’s equity jurisdiction, Casey relied on a gender-neutral reading of G.L.c. 209C, §6, which states: “In all actions under this chapter a man is presumed to be the father of a child and must be joined as a party if … while the child is under the age of majority, he, jointly with the mother, received the child into their home and openly held out the child as their child.”

 Partanen v. Gallagher

THE ISSUE: Was a non-biological de facto parent entitled to joint legal custody of two children she jointly raised during and after a same-sex relationship with the children’s biological mother?

DECISION: Yes (Probate & Family Court)

LAWYERS: Elizabeth A. Roberts of Todd & Weld, Boston, and Teresa M. Harkins La Vita of Danvers (plaintiff)

 Mary Beth L. Sweeney and Gretel M. Dufresne, of Atwood & Cherny, Boston (defense)

Monday, November 2, 2015

Sometimes others say it better than I possibly can--an Essay by Bob Beckel

(CNN)In my youth, it took me many years of heavy drinking to become a career alcoholic. This year, it took less than eight weeks of medical treatment to become addicted to OxyContin and Percocet.
It started in the spring when long-standing pain in my back, dating to my high school football days, led me to go in for a complex -- and, as it turned out, somewhat risky --surgical procedure. The operation, called a lumbar fusion, took nearly 10 hours; the attending team of doctors were amazing; it was successful. For the first time in a long time, my back was pain-free.
    There were, however, complications. Many of those who undergo this surgery suffer a temporary motor neuropathy -- diminished use of one or both legs due to nerve damage -- a setback from which they generally recover quickly. A much smaller percentage take a hit in one or both legs for a longer period of time, sometimes indefinitely.
    Bob Beckel
    As it turned out, I fell into that latter category. Recovering even partial use of my left leg would require a strict routine of extensive physical therapy and rehabilitation for at least a year, the doctors told me, maybe more, combined with severe limitations on travel and mobility. And while the long-standing back pain was gone, now there was the excruciating pain of post-op recovery.
    As bad as the back pain had been, the agony following surgery was worse. My doctors prescribed OxyContin and Percocet, which were amazingly effective. Unfortunately, they also proved horribly addictive -- which I knew posed a risk in some ways greater than the surgery.
    I am an addict, and have been my whole life. At the time of my surgery, I was 14 years clean and sober -- but addiction isn't something that goes away just because it's dormant. (There's a reason recovering alcoholics live by the dictum "one day at a time.") While the surgery had been a success, now my sobriety and, in a very real sense, my life were on the line. I elected to check in to the Hazelden Betty Ford Center Pain Management Program to help me get off the meds and to treat my pain.
    At Betty Ford I discovered that, ironically, I was one of the fortunate few. My long history of addiction notwithstanding, the pills did not get their hooks into me all that deeply. Back in the halcyon (read: perpetually stoned) days of the '60s and '70s, I'd been exposed to drugs that functioned much the same as OxyContin and Percocet, but my drugs of choice were alcohol and later cocaine. Now, in 2015, I had little difficulty prying myself completely off the meds as my post-op recovery progressed. I never felt that irresistible gravitational pull that had nearly killed me many times over at the height of my destructive affair with alcohol and cocaine.
    I was lucky. Many others I saw at Betty Ford were not. It was appalling to witness. One after another, I encountered a steady procession of fine, otherwise healthy people coming through the center who, unlike me, had never in their lives been addicts or alcoholics, good people who had done nothing but follow their doctors' orders and taken the meds they were prescribed to take—and as a result had now plunged off the cliff into addiction.
    There are millions like them. The problem of prescription-induced addiction, I've come to learn, is at epidemic levels in the United States. In June a Time magazine cover story called it "the worst addiction crisis America has ever seen." Two months later, to my utter amazement, the Food and Drug Administration approved the use of OxyContin for children 11 and older.
    Ostensibly, the doctors prescribing these drugs are well-intentioned; they don't mean to create addicts. They simply don't have the education to know better. During their four years of medical school, doctors receive no more than an average of eight hours' training in addiction, according to a survey in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs. The bitter irony here is that not only are these meds fiercely addictive, they also aren't an especially effective solution to the problem they're used to treat. Dr. Peter Przekop, director of pain management at the Betty Ford Center and one of the nation's leading authorities on pain management, says, "There is overwhelming evidence that opioids are not effective for the treatment of chronic non-cancer pain. Indeed, they have created a wealth of unwanted problems and suffering."
    According to Przekop, research over the last two decades says chronic pain is a disease of the brain, and that adequate treatment that addresses the brain and mind, as opposed to simply attempting to dull the pain signal, can be accomplished with non-pharmacologic methods. "The time is long overdue," he says, "to create novel research-based treatment options." We need to do everything we can to support research into more effective approaches to chronic pain.
    Meanwhile, we as a nation need to do a much better job of regulating these substances -- and our medical schools need to get serious about teaching our physicians the true, often life-shattering impact that opioids are having in people's lives. Millions of American are addicted to these opioids. More than 16,000 died from overdose in 2013 -- that's 44 a day, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. It's a national tragedy -- one we can and must change.

    Friday, October 30, 2015

    Thursday, October 29, 2015

    Ignorant Spouse, the Danger you Can't Afford

       A common thing I see in my practice, whether it be bankruptcy, divorce or probate work, is spouses who remain blissfully ignorant of their family finances.  Often, in a marriage one spouse takes charge of the money.  Usually the excuse is that he or she is better with money.  Here's the deal, if you're not good with money, become good with money.  It's imperative to know how much money comes in, and how much goes out, where the accounts are, when bills are due and to whom.
       I hear it so often, "I don't know how much my husband makes per year;" "I just hand my wife my paycheck, and she takes care of the bills, I
    don't know how much we spend on food or taxes."  I could go on with a litany of scenarios where one spouse seems perfectly content to being in the dark.   Ultimately, you could find yourself sitting in the dark, because your electric service has been turned off, because the bill wasn't paid.  You realize that your spouse has been spending money set aside for household bills, on gambling, drugs, excessive spending, or a paramour.  Or you spouse dies suddenly, and you find yourself not only grieving, but completely unable to grasp your finances going forward without him or her.
      If you don't know how to balance a check book, learn, sit down with your spouse and make a budget, review your taxes yearly, sit with your tax preparer or accountant, become educated in your financial circumstances.  If you need to take a class, or sit down with a customer service agent at the bank, do it.  If you have the funds, hire a financial or business manager, who can give you a snapshot of your financial health at any time.
       Finally, if you meet with resistance from your spouse when you bring up the topic of money and household finances, push back, and don't take "no" for an answer.

    Tuesday, October 27, 2015

    NFL Hypocrisy--part 2

    The NFL does not allow active players or coaches to endorse alcoholic beverages.  The policy has been in effect since 2008, since a string of alcohol related incidents "tarnished" the league.  So, in 2015, what do we get?

    Monday, October 26, 2015

    Temporary Restraining Orders and their abuse

        Domestic violence is a real and deadly issue in this country, and others.  For far too long women have suffered at the hands of their husbands and partners.  While men are victims of domestic violence in increasing numbers, women are the greater percentage of this type of abuse.  One out of every three women and one out of every four men have experienced some form physical violence.   The serious nature of abuse can never be minimized.
       Courts have systems in place whereby anyone can obtain a temporary restraining order against their spouse or partner, the order usually requires the abusive party to vacate a shared home and to cease all contact.  These orders can be the sole lifeline for someone facing abuse.  The trouble arises when these orders are sought and granted so that one party can get an upper hand in a divorce or custody case.  Attorneys will often use the tactic to intimidate a party, poison the judge assigned to their case or gain an advantage financially.
       One should never seek a protective order unless they have a real fear of imminent bodily harm, or that their children are in some kind of danger.  Placing a party in jeopardy of arrest, loss of job or reputation out of vindictiveness or spite only creates and atmosphere of anger, mistrust and multiplies the cost of any domestic relations action that may be filed.  Attorneys should question their clients at length when they are seeking a protective order.  Are there police reports?  Has there ever been a medical professional who has made note of bruising or injuries?  Are there independent witnesses who have seen acts of abuse.  I was advised early in my career, sadly that clients lie.  I was also told, "there is her side, his side, and somewhere in the middle is the truth."
       While some women or men do suffer ins silence, in this day and age of instant access and communication,  it's difficult to comprehend that a person with a job, a car, credit cards and multiple means of support could live year after year being abused and have not one person know it.  As an attorney we must be cynics, we must advocate zealously, but we cannot perpetuate a lie to gain an advantage.
     

    Thursday, October 22, 2015

    Guns and Personal Liabilty

        I have been a firm believer that change happens when insurance companies start to lose money.  The federal flood insurance program has been drastically amended in the wake of Hurricanes Katrina and Sandy.  The call for "Tort Reform" has been led by medical malpractice carriers who are adverse to paying out hefty sums for the negligence of their insured medical professionals.
       Gun violence is in the news nearly every day.  There have been reports of multiple deaths due to accidental and intentional discharge of firearms by children as young as five years old.   Approximately 110 children are killed  accidentally by guns every year.  If you add in those killed as a result of criminal conduct, deaths per year are in the 3000 range, injuries are in excess of 7000.  So, when an eight year old child gets his hands on his father's handgun, or shotgun and shoots someone, there should be claims filed against the gun owner's homeowner's liability policy, further to that end, anyone who owns a gun should have mandatory liability insurance.  Just as they must for any motor vehicle they own.
        Recently in California, three drifters stole a gun that was left in an unlocked motor vehicle, they robbed and murdered two people with that gun.  The gun owner should not only be held criminally responsible for failing to secure his firearm, but there should be a hefty payout to the families of the victims.  Once you mandate liability insurance for gun owners, the cost of gun ownership would likely make people think long and hard, and decide if the expense is worth it.
       Ultimately the goal is to keep guns out of the hands of criminals, criminals obtain guns by stealing them, using shills to purchase them, and other nefarious means.  If a gun that was improperly sold or secured is used in a crime, not only should the original owner face stiff criminal liability, insurance companies also need to have their feet put to the fire, and start to feel the pain financially of all the lives lost as a result of guns.

    Friday, October 16, 2015

    Wednesday, October 14, 2015

    Criminalizing Addiction---Is it Ever the Answer?

       Addiction is a disease, imagine if our criminal justice system began incarcerating individuals because they suffer from heart disease, diabetes or cancer.  As a society, there is still a perception that addicts have a choice, that all they have to do is muster up some "willpower" and stop using drugs, or alcohol.  Anyone who has suffered with addiction, or knows someone who has, can attest, that it's not just about willpower.
       There is a growing trend to target pregnant women with criminal prosecution if they use drugs during their pregnancy.   The state of Tennessee passed a law in 2014, that allows for the prosecution and incarceration of pregnant women who use illegal narcotics. The law targets illicit drugs, not alcohol or prescription medications.  Studies have found, that although the law's purported intent is to get pregnant women to seek treatment, in fact, it is discouraging women from getting prenatal care, due to fear of prosecution.  The truth is Tennessee lacks sufficient resources to treat these women for their addiction.
       An Arkansas case recently decided, is a small step in the right direction.  In 2014 Melissa McCann-Arms was convicted of introducing a controlled substance into the body of another person after her newborn son tested positive for methamphetamine. The statute used to convict McCann-Arms was intended to deal with "date rape drugs."  The Arkansas Supreme Court overturned the conviction, along with a 20 year sentence.
      The criminal justice system has failed in every respect where it comes to addiction, when punitive measures are the only option.  Study after study have found that treatment prevents future arrests. Incarceration does not help the addict, it certainly cannot help a mother and child.  Placing a child in the foster system, which is underfunded, poorly supervised and for all intents and purposes is broken can never be the answer.
      Treat the disease, don't condemn a child to a life without a mother.

    Tuesday, October 13, 2015

    Put it in Writing---Yes, Even when it's your Kids!!!

        Family, it's the foundation of our lives.  We help our family members when they are in need.  Usually we help with no adverse consequence, however, sometimes things go awry, particularly when property and significant others are involved.  Recently I became aware of a situation where parents gave their son a significant sum of money which was used to buy a home with his girlfriend and the mother of his child.  At the time, the young "family" was residing with the parents, they were fight providing child care for their grandchild and everything was blissful, until it wasn't.
        After living together in the new house the unmarried couple fell apart.  An ugly custody  fight ensued, and now the parents are out a considerable sum of money, that will likely require more litigation.  These issues also arise when parents, siblings, friends or others provide a "gift" of a down payment, signing a gift letter for the mortgage company.  In the all to likely event of a divorce, one spouse will get the benefit of the gift when marital property is divided.  Of course the individual who made the gift becomes angry, and often tries to character the gift as a loan.  If it truly was a loan, then a fraud was committed at the time of closing.
       The simple solution to these and other conflicts is to never hand over money without reducing the transaction to writing.  A promissory note, a mortgage, exchange of collateral, a repayment plan all will go a long way to making everyone's rights and obligations clear, avoid unnecessary conflict and litigation down the line.

    Thursday, October 8, 2015

    Movie Friday

    With the publication of Harper Lee's Go Set a Watchman, I thought we could revisit a classic.

    Wednesday, October 7, 2015

    I thought we eliminated debtor's prison

       Criminal defendants are often required to pay fines as part of their punishment.  Sometimes defendant's agree to these fines in order to avoid trial, which can often lead to jail time.  Given that most of these defendants are poor, they often have court appointed counsel who are often overworked, ill prepared and push defendants to plead out.
       So, defendants are forced to agree to take a plea to avoid jail.  The problem arises when the defendant can't pay the fine.  Oftentimes they are imprisoned.  In some instances, they are given the opportunity to do "community service"  which in reality is forced labor.  
       Recently, the ACLU, filed suit against Benton County, Oregon.   The suit filed as a class action in Yakima County Superior Court, alleges that the practice violates the U.S. and state constitutions, which prohibit the jailing of people for not paying court-ordered fines, fees and costs without a meaningful hearing and consideration of alternatives to incarceration.
       The lawsuit,  is part of the long national campaign by the ACLU to combat the effect of court fines on poor defendants. In 2010, the organization published a report the examined the way court impose fines in Michigan, Ohio, Georgia, Louisiana and Washington state, noting that the fines can often compound with interest or late fees, contributing to the impoverishment of come defendants.
       While punishment is supposed to hurt, and defendants should be made to pay restitution, the system should not be used to circumvent due process, or be abused to make money for an otherwise strapped court system.

    Tuesday, October 6, 2015

    Another Black Eye for the NFL

       If you are a fan of the NFL, you may have noticed advertising for Fantasy Football leagues.  The NFL itself runs a league, you can play for fun and money.  For years, the NFL has claimed this is not a game of chance (gambling) but a game of skill.
       Most recently the NFL has partnered with FanDuel, a site that allows you to pick a team for only a week, and win money, depending on your upfront fee (bet).  Well, it appears FanDuel and its main competitor DraftKings (also an advertiser during NFL and other sporting events) may be nothing more than a scam.
       Recently, despite claims of millions of dollars in purses, it was revealed that the average payout is under $30.00.  Promises of millions are nothing but smoke and mirrors.  Now it was revealed that an employee had inadvertently released date that if used properly would increase a player's odds of winning, apparently, if your roster includes players that are not used by others, you win big  (potentially.)  The employee is barred from playing on his employer's site, however, he did play on his competitor's site, and won $350,000.
       The NFL promotes fantasy football because it increases ratings and thus ad revenue.  When Congress outlawed online gambling, the NFL lobbied heavily to carve out an exception for fantasy sports.  The original legislation did not have any such exception.
       The reality is, the NFL, MLB, and other professional sports leagues have been exceedingly schizophrenic when it comes to gambling.  The look at casinos as dens of iniquity, yet they accept billions of add revenue and entry fees from fantasy sports.  Let's stop claiming that fantasy sports requires skill,  Truth be told, no amount of skill can compensate for Tony Romo's broken clavicle, or CC Sabathia's trip to rehab.  Poker and black jack require the same amount of skill, and depend on chance.  You need to know how to bet, how to read other players and when to fold.  You can't control the cards, like a fantasy player can't control a coach's substitutions.  Some skill, but mostly luck is at play.
      All the while, professional leagues (and in the case of the NFL a not for profit one) rake in billions of dollars on the back of the guy locked in his basement, chasing the big score one more day.

    Friday, October 2, 2015

    Movie Friday

    So, The Firm is a true legal thriller, Tom Cruise plays an idealistic new attorney who us recruited by a law firm in Tennessee, everything looks perfect in every way, until he starts to hear and read about other associates who have died under mysterious circumstances.  He approached by the FBI to provide evidence against The Firm.  Great performances by Cruise, Gene Hackman and Ed Harris keep you on the edge of your seat.

    Thursday, October 1, 2015

    Even as an Adult, You should Still do Your Homework

       If you have an email address, a Facebook account, or any other web based method of communication, you undoubtedly have been forwarded "news" articles or stories purporting to be true.  Whether it's the story of President Obama refusing to salute the flag, or the most recent Facebook Hoax about your privacy, you are likely bombarded with claims about politicians, celebrities, regular folks and every possible entity.
       These typed of stories are usually intended to inflame, frighten or shock their audience.  Some may be used to solicit funds for a cause.  Social media allows the stories to spread like wildfire and because they often look "official" or are from a trusted source, they take on a life of their own, and in many respects become "true" in certain circles.  The current presidential campaign is wrought with lies, and rumors purported to be fact.
       Everyone has been fooled, at one time or another, it happens, however, the damage some of these hoaxes can do to the reputations of companies and individuals is real.  There are simple and quick ways to verify what you have been forwarded, before you perpetuate the lie.  Websites like Snopes, Factcheck, and Politifact scour the web and news sites for the latest hoaxes, rumors and claims.  They are not politically affiliated nor do they have any agendas other than spreading truth.
       So, the next time you open an email, or are shared something on Facebook, click on one of the above sites, and check it out.

    Monday, September 28, 2015

    A Step in the Right Direction

        The Massachusetts state Senate unanimously passed a resolution Thursday to repeal a law requiring a driver's license suspension of at least six months for anyone convicted of a drug crime.  The law mandated suspensions for any drug offense, regardless of whether there was a motor vehicle infraction involved.  This is a great beginning for criminal justice reform in Massachusetts.  While the rationale for the original law may have had the intent to keep those under the influence from behind the wheel, it's true effect was to deny people the ability to get and keep jobs.
        If someone is arrested and convicted of operating a motor vehicle while under the influence of drugs, then of course they should lose their driving privileges.  We don't suspend licenses of those arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct, so we should not place a higher standard on those who are arrested for drug offenses.  Next, let's hope the legislature addresses the incarceration of those who need treatment for drug abuse, not punishment.







    Wednesday, September 23, 2015

    Welcome Francis

    Prayer of St. Francis

    Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

    O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life

    Monday, September 21, 2015

    Baby Bella--a systematic failure of family, neighbor, medicine and the state

        It seems the Massachusetts Department of Children and Families is in the middle of another tragedy.  Bella Bond, for months known as "Baby Doe" was identified and her mother and her mother's boyfriend were arraigned on charges related to her murder today.  The reality is Bella never had a chance.  Her mother had already lost two of her children to the system, when her parental rights were terminated.   Bella's family failed, Bella's doctors failed, as did her social workers and her neighbors.  
       When Rachel Bond was admitted to the hospital where Bella was born, the staff took her history.  It would have revealed that she had given birth in the past.  Further questioning, and they would have discovered that she had had her parental rights terminated.  At that point, the hospital's social service department could have implemented a plan to follow up on Bella, designating her as "high risk" of neglect and arranged for her and Bond to be monitored.  Is there such a system in place for high risk infants?  If there isn't, there should be.
       Baby Bella had family, we know of an Aunt, grandparents and a father.  Each and every one of them failed this child.  She disappeared from their lives, she disappeared from Facebook.  They dismissed the composite photo of "Baby Doe."  While the may be mourning, they should be examining the family dynamics that allowed a child to fall from view, without a word. The same can be said for her neighbors.
       Finally, DCF, no case that is supported for "neglect" should ever be closed.  Once neglect is found, the family should be followed until the child is safely into adulthood.  DCF should link to the child's daycare, pediatrician and schools.  If a child misses a scheduled medical appointment, they should be notified automatically, if they aren't in school or daycare for a few days without sufficient reasons, DCF should receive an alert. In addition, every child who has received DCF services, should be swabbed, and their DNA kept in a data base, this simple practice would have aided in the identification of Baby Bella, and brought her killer to justice sooner, and likely preserved crucial evidence.
       Would all these systems require significant investment, and monitoring?  Yes, it would, but at what point will we say the the most vulnerable among us, should be protected at any cost?

     

    Friday, September 18, 2015

    A film that demonstrates the devastating toll divorce, and custody fights have on children.  Great performances by Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep

    Thursday, September 17, 2015

    Sometimes the fight isn't worth the payoff

       There often comes a time in a  conflict where you realize, even if you are on the side of "right" it may be time to drop the gloves and walk away.  This happens frequently in marriages, no matter how hard you may have tried to bridge the differences between you and your spouse, you are faced with a life altering choice.  Do you continue using temporary fixes, or sever ties? There is no right or wrong answer.  There is only your answer.
       First you have to identify were the conflict is.  Do you fight over trivial annoyances, or are your conflicts related to trust, values, financial security or family conflicts?  Pet peeves and inconsiderate behavior can change.  Fundamental differences about how you conduct yourselves as a married couple are often not reparable.
       Next, really take stock in how you feel most of the time, are you always angry, or frustrated, do you cry most days or nights?  If you are living every day in pain or conflict, then you aren't really living.  You're married because you wanted a partner, a person who brings pleasure, joy and comfort to your life.  No marriage is without conflict, the question is, has your marriage become one big battlefield?
       Finally, consider how your well being, or lack there of resonates among those around you. Your children, work colleagues and friends are like a pond, and you are a pebble thrown in the middle, sending ripples to each and every one of them.
       If you are in conflict, you may fight, you may win, but ultimately you've lost yourself.


    Wednesday, September 16, 2015

    Tuesday, September 15, 2015

    The Lost Art of Conversation

    So! Listen to ME! Training a dog Little Girl in a birch forest.
      When was the last time you sat face to face with someone, with no distractions and actually had a conversation?  No mobile phone, no tablet or laptop.  Television and radios off.  Texting has replaced telephone calls, and when you have the rare opportunity to speak to someone, either in person or via telephone they are likely focusing on something along with you.

    2012 survey identified communication problems as the #1 cause of divorce and marital discord.  Many marriage counselors recommend that couple sit face to face every day and and speak to one another.  Imagine that?  A counselor having to tell a married couple to sit and talk.  This isn't a new reality, mobile phones have replaced televisions and newspapers.  Think about yourself as a child, did you father or mother sit and talk to you, giving you their undivided attention?  It's not something we do naturally.

    So try it.  The next time you have the opportunity to speak with someone, turn off all of your electronics.  Fold your newspaper and put it away.  Listen to them and don't interrupt them, look them in the eye.  Ask them questions and be engaged.  When they ask you questions, don't think about the best answer, give them the truth, your sincere thoughts.  Let them learn about you and come to understand who you are.  Your relationship will grow in ways you never dreamed.

    Monday, September 14, 2015

    Can you change a person?

       It's a pretty universal belief that you can't change a person, you may want them to change, you may be spot on that they need to change, but without their cooperation you're probably out of luck.  

    There are probably a few people in your life that you would like to see change certain behaviors.  Your significant other may be late all the time.  Your mother may complain too much.   Your best friend won't break up with her boyfriend, even though she spends all her time fighting with and and filling you in on the dirty details.

    Once these annoyances get tiresome, you may be justified in encouraging them to make changes.  Can you change another person's behavior?  Should you even try?

     You may be surprised to learn that you can help someone change their behavior, but it's primarily possible by changing yours. If your partner is always late, then you an decide to start your plans without him.  Instead of getting frustrated and nag, just go about your business.  Eventually they will realize that you aren't going to put yourself out anymore.  When your mother starts to complain, change the tone of the conversation, ask her "mom, how can we make this better?"  Don't entertain the negativity, be positive and look for the good in every situation.

    You will be surprised how people around you change, when you make changes to the way you behave when you interact with them
      

    Friday, September 11, 2015

    Movie Friday

      So, those who know me, know that I am a movie buff.  So I thought on Fridays I would recommend or review (or both) a new or classic film, where the law is the a primary focus or theme.  So, today I thought I would encourage you to watch a classic legal drama,
      The Verdict, starring Paul Newman.  The film centers around a young mother who suffers catastrophic complications during child birth at a Catholic hospital in Boston, MA.  Newman plays a down and out, alcoholic lawyer who takes on the mighty Archdiocese of Boston.  With a stellar cast, the film of a tour de force for Newman and James Mason, along with the supporting cast.
      On a personal note, I was working as a legislative intern at the Massachusetts State House in the summer of 1982, when the movie was filmed.  It served as the courthouse.

    Thursday, September 10, 2015

    Forgiveness

       "The only way to overcome pain caused by an instrumental figure in one's life is to forgive, but the definition of that word is often misunderstood. Forgiveness is about relieving oneself of resentment.    Forgiveness isn't about saying, 'It;s OK,' or that you 'accept' or 'approve' what happened, forgiveness is the acknowledgment that what happened, happened, and that you are now ready to set down the baggage, the pain and the fear.

       There simply is no other way, when a person forgives they no longer take action based on feelings of revenge, anger or fear, but instead make decisions based on their character.  If I consider myself a good person, a generous person, but then act meanly or selfishly because someone has treated me that way, then I allow their actions to determine my character and my actions.

    Without taking the proper steps tp grieve and let go, pain can become part of one's identity.  (Retribution) does no virtue for you.  It will create the illusion that you've done something valuable for yourself.  Resolving the pain comes down to a key phrase: I remember the time that you did this, and I'm not going to let the memory of that event hurt me anymore".---various words of wisdom from Russell Friedman and Becky Blanton

    Forgive those who have done you harm, not for them, but for you--don't let their actions define who you are, or who you can become.