The Kind of Gift that Money Can't Buy

Often in my near thirty years of practice people who hear that I specialize in family law, ask me "isn't that depressing.?" It is challenging at times, dealing with people who are angry, hurt, and scared is never easy.

Sometimes I do get weary, but I do find deep satisfaction in the fact that most of the time the clients who comes to me in a difficult and often impossible situation, come out the other side in a better place.

Today, when I got back to the office a woman and her husband were waiting for me, they had these beautiful flowers. I had a vague recollection of them. I had represented her in an acrimonious divorce nearly twelve years ago. At the time she had a son who was eight years old. She and her second husband had recently celebrated their 10th anniversary, and they wanted to express their gratitude to me for helping them move on to a happy loving marriage. Her son is a junior in college and they live nearby my office.

These moments mean more to me than awards, money or other accolades ever could. I still use a blanket that was crocheted by an elderly bankruptcy client that her granddaughter brought to me 25 years ago (she was housebound).

I have been blessed to have a passion for my work, I'm not the wealthiest attorney, or famous, but the gifts I have received throughout my career are the kind that come from the heart.

Author says this behavior predicts infidelity in a relationship from day one

I Went Through My Daughter’s Phone, And It May Have Saved Her Life

Is it okay for parents to look through their child’s phone? originally appeared on Quora - the knowledge sharing network where compelling questions are answered by people with unique insights. 

 Answer by Lara Estep, clinical pharmacist and mother, on Quora:

 My youngest children are now in their last years of high school and I would never look through their phones at this point, but when they were younger I always reserved the right to go through phones and Facebook accounts if I suspected they were in an unsafe situation. I only exercised this right once, and I can truly say that I will always be grateful that I did. I am certain that what I found on my daughter’s Facebook messenger and phone that day several years ago saved her from harm. We were relatively new in the neighborhood so I wasn’t familiar with the neighborhood children or their families. I was still figuring out who her friends were.

 After a few months, something just didn’t feel right with my daughter and her friends. But I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I talked to my ex about it and told him I was thinking of going through her phone and Facebook account (when they were younger I made them give me their passwords to all accounts just in case. I only used them this one time). He was adamantly opposed to my plan. He talked about her privacy and her rights and all of the standard moral and ethical considerations. I agreed with everything he said, but still, something just didn’t feel right.

 Finally, one day I decided that I would rather have my daughter hate me for the rest of her long life than spare myself her anger and possibly allow her to go down a dangerous path and end up harmed or even dead. I think she was thirteen. She had fallen asleep one Saturday afternoon with her phone tucked in her arms. I managed to get the phone and what I found sent chills through my body. I will shorten this and tell you what I found: a chain of Facebook messages and texts from the father of one of her school friends. The friend was a boy. The messages told her how her mother was too strict. That she should go spend the night at his house and he would lie for her. He told her he would bring her cookies, McDonald’s, or whatever she wanted but she would need to sneak out of the house and meet him at the end of the street at night or during lunchtime at school.

The messages came at all hours of the day and night. Sometimes early in the morning to wish her a good day at school. This was a forty-something year old man who I had never met! Texting my daughter! He was clearly grooming her for some bigger plan. It was all I could do not to drive straight to his house and do to him whatever an enraged mama bear does to anyone who threatens her children’s safety. It took a lot of convincing to keep her dad from doing something stupid as well.

 In the end, I scheduled a meeting with the principal of her school the following Monday. After showing him what I had found he had no words. He said in all of his years he had never seen anything like it. I called the police and made a report, but they couldn’t do anything because he hadn’t yet harmed her. I alerted all of the other parents (most of whom didn’t seem to care much, sadly). The hardest part of all was telling her she was no longer allowed to see any of those friends. She hated me for a few months. She told me I ruined her life and would barely speak to me. But I knew in my heart what she couldn’t know. I knew I had saved her from a predator. She soon made new friends and I wasted no time in learning about their families.

She is a happy, well-adjusted, intelligent, ambitious, charming, carefree young lady, unscathed by the intentions of a predator, all because I did the unthinkable, I tossed aside her right to privacy and looked through her phone. I will never regret doing it. And I don’t suggest doing it on a whim. As I stated previously, I had always had their passwords to any account but had never used them. It was my safety net for the “just in case” situation.

 My point is that sometimes we, as parents, need to trust our instincts and do what is best for our children despite what anyone might say. I shudder to think where she would be today if I had listened to her well-intentioned father and not invaded her privacy. Best case scenario we would be in counseling for sexually abused children. Worst case, she would be dead. I expect some judgement, but guess what? I am perfectly fine with that! My daughter still doesn’t understand what happened, and for that good fortune I will trade any judgement that comes my way.

9 Things Men Hate Hearing From Their Wives

Brittany WongDivorce Editor, The Huffington Post

You’re bound to say some tone-deaf things to your spouse every so often ― but there are some phrases you should absolutely never say. We asked couple therapists to share the most annoying things men report hearing from their spouses. (Of course, it goes both ways ― click here for the annoying things husbands say to their wives.)

 1. “Nevermind, I’ll just do it myself.”

 Marriage pro tip: When you ask your spouse to call the plumber to fix the sink, give him a chance to do it. Rolling your eyes and saying, “nevermind, I’ll do it myself” may result in you getting your sink fixed sooner, but it’s also likely to rub your spouse the wrong way. “Chances are, he wants to help you and make you happy,” said Anne Crowley, an Austin, Texas-based psychologist. “It’s a frustrating phrase for a husband to hear because it suggests you don’t think he’s capable of completing the task and don’t need him.”

 2. “You should have known.” 

You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect your hubby to decipher every last gesture and statement you make, said Ryan Howes, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California. “Women become upset when their husbands can’t read between the lines or read their minds but guys are notoriously poor mind readers,” he said. “Wives will save themselves a lot of grief if they can come to accept this and just ask for what they want.”

 3. “Do you think she’s hot?”

 Do you really want to know your husband’s thoughts about an attractive woman? Probably not ― plus, you’re putting your spouse in an uncomfortable, no-win situation, said Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men. “Most men have already identified the pretty women in the room; if he’s trying to respect you then he should be already trying not to look, so you pointing her out will only make him more self-conscious, uncomfortable and unsure of what to do to not upset you or hurt your feelings,” he said.

 4. “We need to talk.”

 No four words strike fear into a married man’s heart quite like “we need to talk.” Opt for something less ominous sounding the next time you bring up an issue, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a therapist and author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted. “The phrase ‘we need to talk’ is often a signal that the wife has complaints or criticism about the husband,” she said. “He assumes he somehow failed you and withdraws, creating a disconnect, which is the exact opposite of what you were trying to accomplish.”

 5. “Man up.” 

Seriously? There’s no right or wrong way to be a man. For your spouse’s sake, let your gender expectations go and try to have a civil conversation. “Telling your spouse to ‘man up’ is a brutal attack on his core identity,” Howes said. “It’s a statement loaded with contempt and shame and could create relationship damage that will be difficult to heal.”

 6. “Pick up after yourself. I’m not your mother.” 

There are better ways to encourage your spouse to put his dirty socks in the hamper than telling him you’re tired of feeling like his mom. “Bringing up mom piles baggage onto what’s probably already a loaded situation,” Smith said. “Many men are sensitive about their relationship with their mother, so suggesting he still wants or needs his mom is not a way to encourage him to change behavior you don’t like.”

 7. “You never, you should have, you ought to...”

Sorry, but chiding your spouse about how he never does the dishes (or takes out the trash or drives the kids to school) isn’t likely to inspire change, Berger said. “Saying someone ‘never’ does something leaves no wiggle room for improvement ― it’s like casting a fault of his in stone,” she said. “It’s much better to say, ‘I’d appreciate it if you would empty the dishwasher tonight,’ for example. And when he does, thank him and you can expect more help in the future.”

 8. “You’ve put on a few pounds lately, huh?”

 Instead of pointing out changes in your spouse’s appearance, be supportive and tell him you’d love if he joined you at your cycle class sometime, said Becky Whetstone, a Little Rock, Arkansas-based therapist. “Insinuating that his body is not like it once was will shrink his confidence ― and he’ll probably up his calorie intake just to spite you!”

 9. “You’re going out with the guys again?” 

Don’t look at Fantasy Football meet-ups and golf trips as threats to your marriage. It’s quite the opposite, actually; some time apart will likely do your relationship good, Howes said. “Yes, sometimes a guy’s night is just an excuse to drink and fart but for many guys these are crucial times to connect, seek advice, get support and express some important emotions,” he said. “Wives who feel threatened by this or forbid their husband from attending may be cutting off a vital support system.” The biggest bonus of guy time, according to Howes? “There’s a good chance he’ll actually be a better husband if he can compare notes with other husbands and dads.”

11 Reasons Divorce Is Better Than Staying In A Bad Marriage

When you’re considering divorce ― or reeling from your ex’s decision to end the marriage ― it’s easy to focus on the negatives: How will I possibly get by living on my own again? How will the kids be impacted by this? Am I doomed to be alone for the rest of my life?

While those concerns are understandable, it’s equally important to focus on the good that can come of being single. Below, HuffPost Divorce bloggers share 11 reasons divorce is preferable to staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage. 

1. Marriage may give you a sense of security but divorce gives you a new lease on life. 

“Staying in a bad marriage can provide security because at least you know how your life will go. But getting a divorce gives you hope ― the hope to be who you want to be, the hope to be happy and the hope to find someone else to love.” ―Barry Gold

2. Being a single parent is better than modeling an unhealthy relationship. 

“If you’re a parent with young kids, getting a divorce is better than staying in a badmarriage because these are formative years for them. They will likely seek out and emulate the types of relationships they see modeled. I want my relationships to be happy, healthy and mutually respectful, so that my children never settle for anything else in their own lives.” ― Lindsey Light 

3. Divorce clears the way for you to meet the right partner.

“Divorce is painful but it’s kind of like pulling off a Band-Aid: The anticipation is horrible but once it’s over, it’s pure relief. Bonus: It allows you the freedom to meet the person you were meant to be with!” ― Al Corona 

4. You get to focus on you for once.

“After divorce, you find yourself again and fall in love with the wonderful attributes that make you you. As a mother especially, you can parent with just your own mama instincts and all your love and energy can flow into your little one(s). You find genuine peace and happiness and an appreciation for life that may have been sucked out of you during your bad marriage.” ― Shelley Cameron 

5. Divorce isn’t the worst thing that can happen to your kids. Enduring a hostile home life is.

“After my first wife and mother of my five children left us permanently, I felt like going through divorce was the worst thing that could happen to a family. So when my second marriage was falling apart, as my kids sole and single parent, I was desperate to protect them from the trauma of another divorce. As a result, I kept the family in a situation that wasn’t good for any of us. The reality is, the worst thing for your children is for them to live in a hostile home and have them see you unhappy. My life and my children’s’ lives have gotten better and happier with each passing day after the divorce.” ― Matt Sweetwood  

6. There’s a big difference between loneliness and solitude. 

“My divorce helped me discover the gift of solitude when I once experienced the pain of loneliness. Now that I’ve learned to enjoy being alone, I’m free from that awful feeling of separation that comes from being with the wrong person.” ―Tammy Letherer

7. You and your partner may be stifling each other’s growth.

“I feel that divorce should rarely be the first choice because generally the only thing keeping a ‘bad’ marriage from being a ‘good’ marriage is sustained mutual effort. That being said, there are times that divorce is the best choice in order to allow both partners to grow and achieve the life they desire, and in some scenarios, the life they deserve.” ― Derick Turner 

8. A happier parent is a better parent. 

“Learning to let go and step into the unknown may be the single most important thing you can do for your own sanity and the sanity of those around you. Divorce proves that you have the courage to live a life of happiness. And if you’re happier, you’ll be a far more effective parent.” ― Carey Fan 

9. You can devote your energy to other important areas of your life. 

“If you have done all the work of trying to make the marriage better and nothing is changing, finding the courage to leave and move forward pays off in the long run. The pay off? You stop putting all your energy into a relationship that no longer works and put more energy into yourself and your kids.” ― Cherie Morris

10. You deserve a partner who’s just as invested in the relationship as you are. 

“Divorce is preferable to a marriage without love. We all deserve to be loved. I never want to be in a marriage where that partnership isn’t sacred and a priority.” ―Carly Israel

11. You lose a spouse but you gain happiness.  

“Divorce brought me happiness. Life is far too short to spend it immersed in an unhealthy relationship.” ― Nicole Lavery

14 Times Wedding Guests Knew The Marriage Would End In Divorce

5 Things My Ex-Husband Could Have Done To Save Our Marriage

By Audrey Cade for DivorcedMoms.com

 Five years have passed since my divorce. I was depressed and devastated by the demise of my relationship, and disappointed that my marriage had come to an end — but I can honestly say that I don’t regret now that this was the outcome. I acknowledge that I had a part in the demise of our union. I recognize that little-by-little I turned away from him and our actions toward one another slowly dissolved the connection we once had. Upon reflection, I can identify five critical things that he could have done differently throughout our marriage that could have saved it.

 1. Make me feel special.

 The once girlfriend, me, used to feel treasured and important to the once boyfriend him. This is an all-to-common predicament of romantic relationships. The initial glow of dating brings out the best in all of us, and we see the best in each other. Over time, the feelings of excitement and admiration tend to fade behind the drudgery of everyday responsibilities and familiarity. I was not naïve to think that our relationship would carry on indefinitely buoyed by clouds of first love energy. I knew a marriage would take work to remain strong, yet I hoped that I could continue to feel special as a wife. Sadly, he stopped making the effort to continue doing the little things to show he cared about me or thought of me as more than a co-habitant of his home, the maid, or mother of his children. I have since remarried, and I appreciate how much of a commitment it is to keep feeding the flame every day and to let your partner know, every day, how much they are loved and appreciated. My husband and I were both previously married; therefore, we are much more aware of how fragile and precious our marriage is and how necessary it is to never take one another for granted.

 2. Help out. 

According to traditional gender roles, the man works outside the home and completes more “manly” jobs, such as mowing the lawn, while the wife cares for the children and the home. My relationship mirrored those ideals, with the exception that I also worked full time. My days became filled with running in circles working, taking care of children, and eventually being responsible for all of the household chores. By the conclusion of our marriage, I was the one who did all of the shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and the majority of child-rearing tasks. Somehow I managed it all. As years of bearing most of the weight of our household began to take their toll on me, I became resentful and angry. I finally convinced him to agree to take on one household chore to help me out: washing the dishes. He did as promised a few times, then we ended in a power struggle because he refused to continue doing them. I didn’t want to feel like I was his mother telling him what to do; yet, the only way I could get him to pull his weight was to nag. One spouse cannot be left to feel responsible for everything with little or no help.

 3. Make the marriage a priority.

 A marriage is like a flower that requires love and care to flourish. By the time we work eight hours or more in a day, sleep another eight hours at night, complete daily chores, and run around with the kids, there’s not much husband-wife time left. I was usually exhausted by the time I put the kids in bed and, disgusted because I felt like I had moved all of the day’s mountains myself. I often tried to get his attention during the evening to talk or spend time together. He developed a routine of coming home from work, plopping down in his recliner, eating his dinner in front of the TV, and not diverting his time or attention to myself or the kids for anything. He probably gave up on me because I was so wrapped up with the kids, and perhaps he didn’t feel that I had any time for him. To be fair, our marriage did need to come first — even before the kids. I had my priorities backwards for a long time because I thought that once I became a mother, they should come first. It was hard for me to recognize that for us to remain healthy, we needed to leave the kids with a sitter and go out on a date and find other ways to keep watering our flower and helping it grow. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I did what I did in my attempt to be the perfect mom, and he probably tuned me out because he felt like it was pointless to try.

 4. Grow with me. 

The superstition that breaking a mirror causes seven years of bad luck originates from a belief that one’s physical being is recreated every seven years; so, if you break a mirror, the soul could become entrapped in the shards of glass and take seven years to become whole again. I relate this to the growth and development that takes place within each person throughout life, seven years at a time. Your reflection in a mirror looks more mature in seven-year increments, and your perspectives, knowledge, and experiences grow by those leaps, as well. We are not the same people we once were. This is a natural transformation that occurs, made more complicated by sharing life with another who is also continually growing and changing. A couple has to work to grow together by staying connected through shared activities and interests, learning, experiencing life, and staying on the same path together. The more wise and mature version of yourself may not have much in common with the former you; but a couple needs to keep growing in sync by taking an interest in each other’s passions and progress to be sure to still have enough in common with one another to keep the relationship strong. Compatibility doesn’t mean that you still have everything in common, but you should still be intrigued and in sync. My ex and I grew from one seed into two sprawling vines, no longer recognizable to the other. I found myself speechless by things he would say, thinking to myself, “I don’t agree with that!” or embarrassed to be associated with the person he had become.

 5. Break up with the porn habit.

 I understand that men like to look, and temptations for lust are everywhere. I wanted to please my husband and be available to him. We became out-of-sync when I often went to bed at about 9pm to be ready to get up early the next morning while he often stayed up past midnight. I discovered that after I went to sleep, he would stay up to watch porn. I was most hurt by the fact that he chose to do this behind my back, rather than making me a part of his needs and desires. It made me feel undesirable, not “good enough,” and betrayed for keeping this side of himself from me. This progressed to create deeper problems with our intimacy and a bigger wedge between us.

Movie Friday-Legally Blonde

When a blonde sorority queen is dumped by her boyfriend, she decides to follow him to law school to get him back and, once there, learns she has more legal savvy than she ever imagined.

A Sincere Thank You

I would like to thank a few people who are responsible for a tremendous victory for The Law Offices of Cathy A. Marino.  First, to the Suffolk Superior Jury who heard the case.  Seven men and women, who did their civic duty, before and after a holiday weekend.  They took three days out of their busy lives to listen attentively, takes notes, and weigh the evidence in a fair, thoughtful and considered way. To Judge Douglas Wilkens, for conducting a smooth, even handed trial.
Thank you to Robert Strasnick of Principe and Strasnick of Saugus, MA, who presented the case brilliantly.  It's never easy having an attorney for a client, and Rob rose to the occasion, and never wavered in his faith that we would obtain a just result.  Finally, to my staff, who supported me, and insured that every 'T' was crossed, and every 'I' was dotted.  I am blessed to have them all for employees.

9 Conversations Married Men Dread Having, According To Therapists

From Huffington Post--

What conversations do guys really wish they could avoid having with their spouses?

Below, marriage therapists share nine things men complain about when they’re in their offices. 

1. “I know it’s late, but we need to talk...”

The next time something needs to be addressed, save the conversation for the morning, said Elisabeth J. LaMotte, a psychotherapist and founder of the DC Counseling and Psychotherapy Center. “We need to talk” conversations tend to be of a higher quality if you wait until you’re both well rested and ready to talk.

“The tension between women wanting to talk and men wanting to sleep is the stuff of old T.V. sitcoms,” she said. “Still, these days, there really is an epidemic of sleep-deprived couples lacking adequate communication.”

2. “Those shorts make you look like a teenager. Maybe you should wear something else?”

You dislike it when your spouse makes snide remarks about your new haircut or favorite baggy shirt. He probably feels the same way when you side-eye his new cargo pants, said Susan Heitler, a psychologist based in Denver, Colorado. 

“Who are you to set the standard of dress for him?” she said. “And ‘you should’ is a sure way to invite him to feel that you’re being too controlling.”

3. “I would have preferred if you just got me a card!” 

It’s the thought that counts with gifts, right? Still, chances are, your S.O. reallythought buying that pricey handbag the Macy’s salesperson pushed on him was thoughtful and generous. Acknowledge it with a simple “thank you,” even if you’re thinking, “That price tag! You shouldn’t have,” said M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist based in Miami Beach, Florida.

“Men like to feel like winners in their spouses’ eyes and get disheartened when they make attempts that are not met with enthusiasm,” Neuman said. “A spouse is better off being gracious and appreciative and then later outlining gestures that would be more meaningful.” 

4. “My ex would never do that.” 

Comparisons to exes only breeds contempt, said Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men. 

“It’s not uncommon for husbands to be living in the shadow of their partners’ exes,” he said. “But there are probably good reasons why you’re no longer with those other guys. Comparing your partner to your exes or to a best friend’s partner or even to ‘The Bachelor’ is unfair and makes men feel unloved.” 

5. “Ugh, I hate how you leave the dishes in the sink.”

You may want your spouse to be a little more diligent about the dishes or wish he’d slow down when driving, but there’s a right and wrong way to issue your complaint, reminded Tammy Nelson, a sex and relationship therapist and the author of The New Monogamy. Who wants to hear non-constructive criticism, whether you’re a man or woman? 

“Instead, use phrases that show appreciation for what he could do right,” she said. “Say ‘I appreciate it when you do it this way instead’ or ‘I love when you rub my back softly.‘ Always remember, you get more of what you appreciate.”

6. “All you want is sex.” 

Yes, sex is a huge motivator in our lives but you’re insulting your spouse by assuming he’s only lending a hand in the hopes of it leading to sex, said Neuman. 

“Men do enjoy and desire sex but they hate when they’re trying to do something nice for their spouse and are suspected of ulterior motives,” he said. “It may even be true at the moment, but it doesn’t mean that it’s the only reason they do stuff.” 

7. “You never take out the trash. You always just let it pile up.”  

The trash is a placeholder for just about anything here. The important thing to note is that using all-encompassing, accusatory blanket terms like “never” and “always” is a very bad idea, said Nelson. 

“No one ever does anything ‘always’ or ‘never’ so take those two words out of your vocabulary,” she said. “Keep the conversation focused on what is happening now and avoid words that lump behavior into such huge categories.”

8. “Yes, but...” 

Agreeing with something, then adding “yes, but...” dismisses everything said before it, Heitler said. 

“But deletes whatever came before,” she said. “No man (or woman) likes to have what he or she said dismissed like that.” 

9. “Remember when you made that one mistake, seven years ago?”

Maybe your partner forgot your anniversary a few years back. Maybe he made plans with his buddies on a weekend when you were headed to your parents. Whatever the case may be — whatever the mistake was — if you’ve forgiven him for doing it in the past, do your relationship a favor and let it go, said Smith. 

“A lot of guys feel like they can never escape their past because their wife never forgets about any mistake they’ve ever made,” he said. “And they hear about every one of those mistakes every single time they screw up.” 

The reality is, said Smith, “when a man feels like he never gets validated or appreciated for what he does right it usually leads him to tune his wife out.”  

Movie Saturday--Lincoln Lawyer

Mick Haller is a defense lawyer who works out of his Lincoln. When a wealthy Realtor is accused of assaulting a prostitute, Haller is asked to defend him. The man claims that the woman is trying to get some money out of him. But when Haller looks at the evidence against him, he learns that this case might be linked to an old case of his.

6 Fights That Are A Total Waste Of Time In A Relationship

Below, marriage experts share six marital fights that aren’t worth your time. 

1. “We’re not having enough sex” — or anything else related to sex.

Your misgivings about sex with your partner — how often you’re having it, for instance, or your desire to try something new in the bedroom — are completelyvalid. But you’re not likely to change anything if you voice your complaints in a hostile way, said Amy Begel, a marriage and family therapist based in New York City. 

“Arguing about sex never works,” she told HuffPost. “Sex is the most intimate of connections between two people but you need to realize it’s primarily a non-verbal art form.”

Fighting about sex, said Begel, brings the “wrong kind of energy” and “kills the spark” you share as a couple. 

As she sees it, “imagination, seduction, affection, great conversation and well-placed flirting are more likely to positively transform a couple’s sex life.” 

2. “Why don’t you have time to call or text me while you’re at work?” 

It’s thoughtful and sweet that you want to talk to your S.O. throughout the day. But if she’s between meetings and super busy, recognize that she doesn’t need to hear every last detail of your “how I got the cat back inside the apartment” story. 

“It might be that she can’t multitask her attention at work and it’s better to wait until she’s away from the office grind to talk,” said Carin Goldstein, a marriage and family therapist based in Sherman Oaks, California. “So if you really need to chit-chat during the day, call a friend who has some free time and save yourself a no-win argument with your spouse.” 

3. “Ladies’ night again?”

It’s 10 p.m. and you know exactly where your wife is: At dinner with her friends, gossiping over a few glasses of Cabernet. You may be annoyed that she’s not spending that time with you but you need to let this one go, Goldstein said.

“Unless she is flying to Vegas for an overnight and coming home smelling like cheap men’s cologne, just let her have some downtime with her friends,” she said. “This is not a situation worth fighting over.”

4. “I put way more effort into this relationship than you.”

Stay clear of arguments about who’s the better parent, spouse or breadwinner. There’s no room from oneupmanship in a healthy marriage, said Begel. 

“Fights like this mask underlying tensions that need to be addressed openly, without kicking the other person in the process,” she said. “These are important challenges that need to be worked through — your feelings of neglect or lack of appreciation matter — but don’t make it a competition.” 

5. “I’m right about this. You’re wrong.”

It’s hard to love someone who always needs to be right. The next time you’re being a little self-righteous, press pause on the argument and tell your spouse you need to agree to disagree, said Sheri Meyers, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. 

“The truth is neither one of you is 100 percent right and neither one of you is 100 percent wrong,” she said. “The task at hand is to stop competition (me vs. you) and start cooperation (you are, after all, a team). Instead of looking for what’s wrong, search for what you can agree on.” 

6. “Why are you working so much?”    

In an ideal world, we’d all have a healthy, vacation-filled work-life balance. But in all likelihood, your spouse has no control over demands at work. If he’s already exhausted and feeling put-upon at the office, starting a fight about his work hours is the wrong tack to take, said Meyers. 

“Rather than fighting about your S.O. spending too much time at work, make the time you do have together even more precious and special by filling it with the three A’s: attention, appreciation and affection,” she said. “When you put your focus on the good things that you value in your relationship, the time you do spend together will be more fun, loving and fulfilling.”

This Behavior Is The #1 Predictor Of Divorce, And You’re Guilty Of It

Ever catch yourself rolling your eyes at your partner or getting a little too sarcastic during a conversation? Those seemingly small behaviors are not that innocent after all. 

According to renowned researcher John Gottman, contemptuous behavior like eye-rolling, sarcasm and name-calling is the number one predictor of divorce.

For 40 years, the University of Washington psychology professor and his team at the Gottman Institute have studied couples’ interactions to determine the key predictors of divorce — or as Gottman calls them, “the four horsemen of the apocalypse.” 

Contempt is the number one sign, followed by criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling (emotionally withdrawing from your partner.)

So how do you curb contempt in your own marriage and stave off divorce? Below, experts share seven things you can do to keep contempt in check.

1. Realize that delivery is everything. 

“Remember, it’s not what you say, but how you say it that makes all the difference. Contempt often comes in the form of name-calling, snickering, sarcasm, eye-rolling and long heavy sighs. Like a poison, it can erode the trust and safety in your relationship and bring your marriage to a slow death. Your goal is to be heard. You need to present your message in a way that makes this happen without doing damage to the relationship.” — Christine Wilke, a marriage therapist based in Easton, Pennsylvania

2. Ban the word “whatever” from your vocabulary. 

“When you say ‘whatever’ to your partner, you’re basically saying you’re not going to listen to them. This sends them a message that whatever they’re talking about is unimportant and has no merit to you. This is the last thing you want your spouse to hear. Sending messages (even indirectly through contempt) that they’re not important will end a relationship pretty quickly.” — Aaron Anderson, a Denver, Colorado-based marriage and family therapist

3. Stay clear of sarcasm and mean-spirited jokes. 

“Avoid sarcasm and comments like, ‘I’ll bet you do!’ or ‘Oh, that was super funny” in a rude tone of voice. While you’re at it, don’t make jokes at the expense of your partner or make universal comments about his or her gender (‘You would say that — you’re a guy’).” — LeMel Firestone-Palerm, a marriage and family therapist 

4. Don’t live in the past. 

“Most couples start showing contempt because they have let a lot of little things build up. To avoid contempt all together, you need to stay current in your communications along the way. If you’re unhappy about something, say it directly. Also, acknowledge the valid complaints your partner has about you — you’ll probably be less self-righteous the next time you fight.” -- Judith and Bob Wright,authors of The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer

5. Watch your body language. 

“If you find yourself rolling your eyes or smirking, it is a signal that your relationship could be headed for trouble. Try taking a break from each other if things get heated, or try focusing on positive aspects that you like about your partner.” — Chelli Pumphrey, a counselor based in Denver, Colorado

6. Don’t ever tell your spouse, “you’re overreacting.” 

“When you say your S.O. is overreacting, what you’re really saying is that their feelings are unimportant to you. Instead of telling your partner that they’re overreacting, listen to their point of view. Try to understand where they’re coming from and why they feel that way. They have those feelings for a reason.” — Aaron Anderson 

7. If you find yourself being contemptuous, stop and take a deep breath.

“Make it your goal to become aware of what contempt is. Then find out specifically what it looks like in your marriage. When you feel the urge to go there, take a deep breath, and say ‘stop’ quietly to yourself. Find another way to make your point. Contempt is a bad habit like smoking or nail biting. With work, you can break it.” 

Movie Friday--The Rainmaker

Rudy Baylor is a jobless young attorney. However, he is also the only hope of an elderly couple whose insurance company will not pay for an operation that could save their son's life. In this judicial drama, Rudy learns to hate corporate America as he falls in love with a battered young married woman. Will he be up to the task?

Movie Friday--The People vs Larry Flint

Larry Flynt is the hedonistically obnoxious, but indomitable, publisher of Hustler magazine. The film recounts his struggle to make an honest living publishing his porn magazine and how it changes into a battle to protect the freedom of speech for all people.

Tips for Keeping Your kids safe on the Internet

by Aisha Sultan

It's a well-known parental habit to underestimate the trouble your own child gets into. For some, it's always "other people's kids" who smoke, drink, do drugs or have sex. Turns out, little Johnny and Jane may not be the responsible digital citizens many parents believe them to be, either.

 The Center for Cyber Safety and Education, based in Clearwater, Florida, commissioned a study last year that looked at how children in grades four through eight use the internet -- and how their parents perceive them to be using it. Patrick Craven, director of the center, said the organization hired Shugoll Research to survey 192 students and their parents in four cities: Los Angeles, St. Louis, Baltimore and Bethesda, Maryland.

While the sample size is too small to generalize to a national population, the results reveal a sizable disconnect in parents' perception and children's actual use of the internet. Even in this relatively young subset, nearly half said they had used the internet at 11 p.m. or later on school nights, in ways other than doing homework. A third of the kids surveyed, and nearly half of the middle schoolers, said they had been on at midnight or later. Only 11 percent of parents perceived that their children were online that late at night.

 That's just one parental blind spot the survey discovered.

 About 3 in 10 students admitted they use the internet in ways their parents would not approve of. For the middle schoolers, this rose to 4 out of 10. What were the forbidden online activities they reported doing? Lying about their age to get onto adult websites, listening to or downloading music with adult content, watching movies or programs meant for adults, searching the internet for adult topics and using a webcam to Facetime with a stranger. Four out of 10 children in the study said they had connected with a stranger online, and more than half of those kids told the stranger they were older than their real age.

When parents were asked if they thought their children were downloading and listening to music with adult content, 63 percent said yes. Actually, only 31 percent of students said they did this. The same was true for movies with adult content: Twice as many parents thought their children were watching them, compared to what children reported doing. But when parents were asked if they thought their child had chatted with and tried to meet someone they'd met online, only 2 percent thought so. Fifteen percent of kids admitted they had. "Parents are kind of missing the point,"

Craven said. This study wasn't even done with high schoolers, he said: We're talking about elementary and middle school-aged kids. "The results prompted us to create all new materials for parents on our website," he said.

The organization's site, safeandsecureonline.org, features a section for parents and guardians, which includes several suggestions:

 -- Create a charging station: a spot where everyone's devices get plugged in at night. "You have to get (devices) out of the room," Craven said. Ninety percent of children said they had a device to access the internet in their room at night. Nearly 4 in 10 students said they had been really tired at school because of late-night internet use; a few arrived tardy or missed school due to it. -- Consider apps or parental controls offered on family plans by wireless providers that allow parents to turn off the Wi-Fi connection in the house at certain times.

 -- Make discussions about internet use an ongoing conversation, not a one-time thing. Nearly all children in the survey acknowledged that their parents or school had taught them about internet safety. But many parents have weak follow-through on rules and oversight.

 -- Join the social media sites your children and their friends use. In this age group, the most popular ones were reportedly Instagram, Snapchat and Vine, with moderate numbers of kids also using Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter and Ask.fm. You don't have to be an active social media user, but being familiar with how the sites work and periodically checking in is a good idea. "If they know you are on, it will make an impact," Craven said.

 -- Play your child's video games with him or her occasionally. Gaming these days has a social media aspect, and involves conversations with other people -- often strangers.

While you may be good about picking games rated for your child's age, the in-game conversations with other players may not be age-appropriate. There's a thin line between regularly talking about online use and lecturing or nagging.

Tweens and teens are masters at tuning out the latter. If this survey is any indication, these conversations require far better follow-through by parents.

RIP--PRINCE

7 Ways to Have Emotionally Healthy Children After Divorce

As the child of divorced parents I can vividly recall the day that I was told that my parents would be getting divorced. My sister and I were both seated. My sister was sitting on the cushioned chair while I was seated on our pink carpeted floor. As both my parents stood in front of us, they uttered the words that no child desires to hear, “We’re getting a divorce.”

 I had only recently become familiar with the term divorce because my elementary school started a small group for children of divorced parents a few weeks earlier. For some reason I remember knowing that I would be in that group one day even though I never knew my parents had issues. They never argued in front of my sister and I, nor did they seem like they didn’t love each other. Yet whatever was going on in their world led them to the painful reality that divorce would be best.

 My sister’s response to the news was tears and hysteria while mine was calm uncertainty. Questions ran through my mind. What does this mean for me? Where will I go? Will they still be friends? What now? These questions and many more bombarded my thoughts as I watched life, as I knew it, take many turns. Although I remained sane through the process, I continued to add questions to my list that I hoped someone at some point would stop and answer.

 My love for my parents continued to grow as I embraced the truth that they responded the best way they knew how. With no parents to guide them and no nonjudgmental sources of wisdom to direct them, they focused on moving on with their lives as best they could. So my life moved along. Changes happened and I returned to school to function as a seemingly normal 8 year old.

 Years down the line I found myself in a similar situation making a similar mistake. I removed myself from a bad marriage, got divorced and kept moving forward. I minimized the effect that my divorce would have on my children because they were still toddlers. Yet, a broken home isn’t easy for anyone.

All who were once in the home are impacted by the brokenness in some way. In an attempt to find a new normal for my children and I, I brushed their past life under the rug as if it didn’t exist and began implementing a whole bunch of “News;” new house, new family, new school, new routine, new life. I never took the time to explain to them in a child like manner the nonexistence of their old. I anticipated that the new things in their life would be so amazing they wouldn’t miss the old.

But that isn’t what happened. They enjoyed the new but at some point they both wanted to go back through their world of new things and find an explanation to why the old things just...disappeared. Hindsight is 20/20 and this has proven to be true for me. My past experiences have taught me that their is a proper way to respond to a child after divorce. Although we may be in the habit of brushing things under the rug, this is not a healthy response for children or adults. Children need a safe place to land their thoughts, feelings and emotions and we should be that safe place. Here are 7 ways you can be intentional about being that safe place for your children and fostering healthy healing after divorce.

 Be Safety: Be a safe place for your child to share their thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Ask Questions: Ask open ended questions to encourage conversation so that you can help them process through their thoughts. Head issues become heart issues if they go unattended.

Be Reassuring: Reassure your child that although some things will change, some things will also remain the same. Things will ultimately turn out okay.

 Love Them: Remind them often that you love them and let them know that your decision to divorce has nothing to do with them.

 Connect Them: Connect them with individuals, groups and communities that will help foster healthy healing for them

Learn Them: Discover their love language and speak it as much as possible. There are many tools to help guide this discovery.

Listen to Them: Be slow to speak and quick to listen. They need your open ears and heart more than anything.

A healthy and fulfilling life after divorce will not happen without some effort on our part. It will require for us to be intentional with our interactions, as well as, supportive. If we desire to have children that are emotionally healthy we must be willing to make the sacrifice. No one is perfect but everyone can be intentional.