Movie Friday--Anatomy of a Murder

Anatomy of a Murder (1959)

Otto Preminger directs this realistic study of an Army lieutenant accused of murdering a bartender who allegedly raped his coquettish wife. An A-list cast is headed by James Stewart as the defense attorney, George C. Scott as prosecutor, Ben Gazzara as the de­fendant and Lee Remick as his wife.

The surprise, though, is the stupendous performance in the role of the judge by real-life lawyer Joseph Welch, who represented the Army in the McCarthy hearings. The plot skips nimbly through a thicket of ethical dilemmas involved in representing a murder defendant.

It was inspired by an actual case and adapted from a novel written by a Michigan supreme court judge. The original score is by Duke Ellington, who makes a cameo.

TRIVIA: Nominated for seven Oscars. Lost for “Best Picture” to Ben-Hur.

Making Love Last: Real Couples Share Their Stories

Myrna and Joseph Thomas

Myrna Thomas, 49, Bikram yoga instructor

Joseph Thomas, 46, corporate performance management consultant

Years married: 19

Children: Dylan, 16, Ethan, 14

New York, New York


"How do we handle our disagreements? I throw a dish. He stomps his foot. I yell. He yells. I yell louder. I win!" laughs Myrna. Having a sense of humor is key to any good marriage, and it's one of the many things that help this playful Manhattan couple stay connected.

Joseph appreciates how Myrna brings out the best in him. "I'm complicated and she knows me, typically better than I think, which has helped resolve many disagreements." He says his biggest adjustment to being part of a couple was learning to grow out of youthful tendencies. "I had a hard time taking things seriously; I expected everything on my own terms." Joseph feels that Myrna has made him more mature and open.

Adapting to marriage and parenthood presented both with challenges. For Myrna, "the most difficult aspect was being true to myself while taking Joe and our sons into consideration." She admits that motherhood got off to a rocky start. "Dylan's first year was rough; then Ethan was born 17 months later. I put so much energy into being a great mom that I had no energy for myself or being a wife. We were so busy and tired, but we still managed to sit for 15 minutes to just talk. I think the biggest challenge for us as parents is to always be on the same page—or at least reading the same book! I realized my marriage is a high priority and must remain so." Joseph shares the one thing he'd like to do over: "I had a hard time understanding how to be a dad. I wish it hadn't taken me so long. Our kids are awesome! They remind us every day of ourselves, the good parts."

Myrna, who thinks her husband is "generous, kind and extremely passionate," wouldn't change a thing. "I'd live it exactly the same way. Everything we've experienced as a couple has led us to this moment." Joseph says he's grateful to have found someone like Myrna. "She is the good that people see in me."

"The best piece of advice? At the end of the day, it's all about the two of you," says Myrna. "You chose to build a life together—build it. Together. And treat each other like best friends and mean it. Okay, that's two things!"

More thoughts from Myrna:

What does Joe do that still drives you insane?

Oy....he's late for EVERYTHING!

How have you created a balance in your lives when it comes to working, parenting, cooking, taking care of the house, managing finances, etc.?

We kind of just fell into a rhythm. Some things were also just taken for granted (he's better at budgeting, so he manages finances). I love to cook, so I do the cooking, and so on and it works. No one gets taken advantage of or is stuck doing the majority of the work. No resentments.

More thoughts from Joe:

What does Myrna do that still drives you insane?

Procrastinate. She knows that if she waits long enough on a task, I'll just go ahead and take care of it. Drives us both crazy.

When are you two the happiest?

When I look at her and I see that she knows exactly what I'm thinking and feeling.

Making Love Last: Real Couples Share Their Stories

Megan Manzi and Luke White

Megan Manzi, 34, blogger

Luke White, 34, songwriter and producer

Years married: 10

Child: Ainsley, 9 months

Los Angeles, California

Megan will admit it—she was a groupie of Luke's for three years before actually working up the nerve to talk to him. "His voice melted me—and the way he danced around onstage in his ripped jeans helped too. I watched him play everywhere from dive bars to the local church. After we finally connected face-to-face, I called my dad and said, 'This is the man I'm going to marry.' A year later, we did."

Luke was initially attracted to how bold and charismatic Megan was and found himself smitten after only a month. "I love that she always says exactly what she's feeling. I'm never stuck guessing. She's forthcoming and honest to a fault. It's very liberating in a relationship," says Luke. "She demands honesty from me. I've learned not to hold back or hide how I'm really feeling. I've also learned how to strongly state my own opinions and feelings."

The couple is open about the hard parts of marriage. "Embracing the individuality in each other can be challenging. And that means never unintentionally holding the other person back! That goes for the big and small things," says Megan. "Luke's love of sci-fi movies and college football isn't for me, but I try to make sure he has time with his friends for every premiere and game. And on a bigger scale, I've completely changed careers three times during our relationship, and Luke has encouraged me—even when it made things financially stressful. One person's hobbies and passions certainly don't always line up with the other's." A rough spot in their marriage came when Luke's band, Atomic Tom, started getting recognition at a time when Megan's career was going through a lull. She was thrilled for him but also felt left out. "We had to work hard to reconnect and stay united," she says.

The birth of the couple's daughter less than a year ago, which Luke calls "the greatest thing that's happened to us," also changed the direction of their usual Friday night dates. "Nowadays a 20-minute hummus break on our front steps while she naps is often the most we can manage. But we've promised to keep the Friday dates, no matter how simple they've become," says Megan. And when she feels stress, she just relies on Luke. "All my anxieties fade away when he sings, and now I get to hear him sing every night to our baby. His voice helps silence all the hustle and bustle going on in my head. It's the sound of home."

More thoughts from Luke:

What was biggest challenge you faced in your marriage and what did you learn from it?

The biggest challenge so far has been the birth of our daughter. It changed so many of the practical elements in our marriage immediately. I was proud of how much we planned for it, talked about it, prepared for it. But so many factors came into play that it really threw us! Unexpected challenges from the pregnancy, delivery and birth. We've had to really come together and hold on to the things in our relationship that matter.

Are there any aspects of your married history that you wish you could do over or change?

I wish I could have made Megan a bigger part of my music career over the past 10 years, even taken on her on tour more. I put weird borders around that part of my life for so long and I'm not sure why. It wasn't loving or respectful, and it certainly made things harder for us.

What is the best piece of advice you'd give to other couples?

Nothing else is as important as your relationship. Climb your individual mountains and come back to each other at base camp. Often. And for all the right reasons.

More thoughts from Megan:

How do you handle your problems and disagreements?

We talk everything out. Everything. Because we've learned quickly that even a small issue can start to fester if not addressed. I'm very direct, for better or worse. But I'm still working at saying things in a more caring, less aggressive way. And at an appropriate, private time! I have to admit I've been known to bring up a marital gripe or two at the completely wrong moment. You know, let's just say family holidays aren't the time to hash things out. Christmas dinner tastes better without the awkward silence of your in-laws!

What does your partner do that still drives you insane?

Pre-coffee, we are not at our finest. His snarkier jokes can sometimes land the wrong way on me if I haven't had a fair amount of caffeine or wine!

Making Love Last: Real Couples Share Their Stories

Dalida and Nick Clifton

Dalida Clifton, 50, automotive product specialist

Harold "Nick" James Clifton, 44, field engineer

Years married: 10

Child: Nicholas, 9

Charlotte, North Carolina

Dalida first caught Nick's eye at an automotive event. "She wasn't all dolled up—she had very little makeup on and was wearing a polo and khakis, yet she still stood out. I think what attracted me to her was her confidence and how quick she was to laugh." When Nick's coworker hit his head on the side mirror of a Ford F-150 truck that Dalida was talking to them about, she lost it. "Without hesitation or reservation, Dalida began to laugh—and not just a cute giggle but a bent-over, tears-in-her-eyes belly laugh," recalls Nick. "It was beautiful." For her part, Dalida says she loved how easily their conversation transitioned from cars to family, life and food. "We talked for only two hours, but I felt like we'd known each other for decades."

They've been laughing for 10 years now, staying connected through their son, Nicholas, and through faith. "I love how my wife puts God first in her life and our lives," says Nick. "She has helped me grow so much spiritually, and she's brought me out of my shell. If not for her I probably would not be nearly as involved in our church as I am now. She encourages me and is always talking about the potential she sees in me, while at the same time keeping me grounded.

In 2009 their marriage was tested when Nick was laid off. The family of three had to put their belongings in storage and move in with Nick's mother. "To add to the stress, after convincing Dalida it was the right move for us, I took a civilian contractor job as a security systems engineer in the combat zone in Afghanistan for eight months. She was left with Nicholas in my mother's house until I came back and we were able to buy a home," says Nick. "That year nearly broke our marriage, and it took time to completely recover. Looking back, I learned that marriage is a struggle sometimes, but I also learned what it really means to be a family and to love someone regardless of what the world throws at you." He knew his wife was frustrated and angry, but it didn't show. "She never belittled me or gave up on me. She always encouraged and supported me. I tell her to this day that in my mind I could see the disappointment in her eyes; she denies I saw any such thing. She never once voiced anything but love."

What does drive Dalida crazy is Nick's little habit. "I have three separate clothes hampers in the house, and yet it's still easier for Nick to leave his dirty clothes on the floor on his side of the bed instead of walking less than five feet and placing them in the hamper!"

Dalida says she's happiest when the family is all together and she can admire her husband and son. "I love the father that Nick is to Nicholas. Nick grew up without his dad, so it always amazes me how becoming a parent came so naturally to him. It's these 'daddy' qualities that make me love Nick more every day."

More thoughts from Nick:

How do you handle your problems and disagreements?

First, we don't yell at each other or call each other names. If either of us is angry to the point of yelling, we walk away until we calm down and then come back and discuss the issue, because neither of us ever wants to have to apologize for something we said in anger. We both agree that even though you may have said it only in anger, you still meant it and you can't take it back. That time we take gives us a moment to reflect on what the issue is and whether it's a big enough deal to continue with the conversation. If we still don't agree, we can usually just agree to disagree and leave it at that and try to never take it personally.

What's the most difficult thing about being married?

For me it's not being able to always make my wife happy. I'm a firm believer in "happy wife, happy life," but it's not just trying to appease her; it's a genuine desire to see her smile and laugh. It hurts me to see her struggling and/or stressed about anything, and because she's an independent woman she tries to keep her problems to herself and work them out on her own. I can see it on her face and hear it in her voice when she's dealing with something, and over the years I've become able to get her to talk more about those issues. But she still tries to keep them from me at times, even though she knows I'm here for her.

When are you two happiest?

Just sitting around the house or lying in bed talking about life. Dalida and I can talk to each other about anything, and all our friends and family know that if you tell one of us you've told both of us. We have discussions every day about everything from the latest celebrity gossip to the presidential race, from how was our workday to race relations in America. We talk about what Nicholas has been doing in school and how much he's just like one or the other of us when he's cracking jokes and dancing through the house. No subject is off-limits and I think we're happiest just exploring each other's minds.

More thoughts from Dalida:

In which ways does he bring out the best in you?

Nick is beyond supportive of anything I embark on, whether or not I have the confidence to get it done. His classic response is "Babe, you can do it. Whatever you need me or Nicholas to do, we will do for you." That alone gives me the confidence and reassurance to be the best I can be.

What is the most difficult thing about being married?

Giving up my independence. Having gotten married at 40, I was pretty set in my ways. Needing to consult someone else about what I'm going to do, where I'm going, and justify my shopping was a huge adjustment. It's still difficult, even after years of marriage, but I've gotten a lot better.

When are the two of you happiest?

When we have family time. Doesn't matter if we're watching a movie, playing Monopoly or Scrabble, or reading. The time we spend laughing, joking and playing are the best times for me.

Making Love Last: Real Couples Share Their Stories

Couples in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 70s tell us how they make love and wedded bliss last.

By Suzanne Rust

Sarah and Jay Hatler---1st in a series

Sarah Hatler, 35, musician

Jay Hatler, 39, musician and music teacher

Years married: 13

Children: Elijah, 4, Zoe, 1 1⁄2

Arlington, Texas

Sometimes we almost miss the obvious. "My friends teased me about the new, good-looking trombone player my sophomore year in college. I wasn't sure who they were talking about because I was so focused on my music," Sarah recalls. "The next time we were all together, I realized there was a really handsome guy in my studio, and I wondered how I could have been so blind!" But once Sarah finally started spending time with Jay as a friend, she knew they had a future. "I remember telling myself it was okay that he took several months to ask me out, since we'd have our whole lives to spend together." She was right. Marriage and parenthood followed, and the latter left Jay with a newfound sense of respect. "After witnessing the birth of my children, I hold my wife, and women in general, in even higher esteem. I have no idea how after having one child a woman agrees to have more. The physical and mental challenges are mind-blowing!" Sarah appreciates Jay's heart most of all. "He can seem like a really serious and tough guy, but he's so caring and loving, and he isn't ashamed to show it. He writes a poem to each child on every birthday and reads it out loud when we're celebrating with family. There's not a dry eye in the room." The two musicians have spent extended periods apart but realized it was not healthy for their marriage, so they won't take jobs that would put too much time and distance between them. And while both cherish what they have together, they recognize the importance of holding on to oneself. "Attack life as a team, but allow the other to remain an individual. Don't lose yourself in all the sacrifices you make for each other and the family," says Jay. "Just because you're married with kids doesn't mean you need to let your identity fade."

 More thoughts from Jay: 

How have you created a balance in your lives when it comes to working, parenting, cooking, taking care of the house, managing finances, etc.? 

The biggest challenge for us is the financial thing. Having one musician in a relationship is hard enough financially, but two? That's a recipe for disaster. As far as domestic responsibilities, I'd say it's about 60/40—Sarah being the 60 and me the 40. She does a great job with the financial side and staying on top of things the kids need.

 How do you handle your problems and disagreements? 

We don't really have too many issues. But when we do, I'm usually really passively aggressive for a few days, and then we end up talking it out.

What the most difficult thing about being married? 

This question has always seemed odd to me. I've never found marriage to be all that difficult. If it's that difficult, then why stay in it? And this is where I jinx myself.

More thoughts from Sarah:

 How did having children change your relationship? 

Having children has made our marriage stronger because we always wanted kids, and feeling like your family is complete is very reassuring. Being parents has made our bond stronger; we take such pride in seeing the amazing little people we made together. It's a challenge because we're pretty much always tired and hardly ever get to do stuff without the kids around. There's no such thing as a lazy day anymore!

Have you created a balance in your lives when it comes to working, parenting, cooking, taking care of the house, managing finances, etc.?

 I think we have a good balance. We each do what we're better suited to doing. I got very lucky in finding a man who is helpful around the house and doesn't need to be asked multiple times to do something. Growing up with a single mom who did it all, it was an adjustment when we had kids because I felt that as the mom, I should be doing most of the work with the baby. I remember Jay telling me that he was as responsible for our child as I was and wanted to do more. We're a team when it comes to parenting; we don't keep score, and we both put the kids to bed together, take turns in the mornings and more.

Movie-Friday--A Few Good Men

Neo military lawyer Kaffee defends Marines accused of murder; they contend they were acting under orders.

The 5 Fights All Long-Time Couples Have (And Most Keep Having)

Isn't the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome?

 01/19/2016 06:57 am ET

• Ann BrenoffSenior Columnist, The Huffington Post

In between the champagne of New Year's and the red roses of Valentine's Day, we would like to assure you that nobody -- nobody -- has a blemish-free relationship. There are always some hot buttons that get pushed on occasion. Here are the areas in which most disagreements dwell; h/t to Huff/Post50's Facebook friends for their suggestions. 

1. Housekeeping chores.

Nobody, but nobody, actually enjoys scrubbing toilets or using that noxious smelling oven cleaner. Nobody likes it but somebody has to do it. So deals are struck ("I'll cook, you wash dishes") and deals are broken. In some relationships, deals fall apart in less time than it takes for a  dust bunny to form behind the sofa.

Gaskets have been blown over forgetting to empty the dishwasher or leaving the toilet seat up. Doors have been slammed over unmade beds and socks put in the hamper still all rolled up. Harsh names have been called when last night's dinner pots, now a repository for hardened spaghetti sauce, weren't washed in a timely fashion.

So what is actually behind this intolerance? Chances are that having a clean and tidy home matters more to one of you. All things being equal, the person who cares the most will wind up doing most of the nasty cleaning -- but it won't come scot-free. It will come loaded with resentment.

So knowing that, take heart. This is one of those easy conflicts that can be resolved fairly simply: Just throw money at it. You only think you can't afford a weekly housekeeper. We'd point out that your co-pay at couple's counseling is much more expensive and glasses thrown in anger can cost a pretty penny to replace.

2. Money matters.

Money, some say, is the root of all evil. While we wouldn't blame it for all the world's evil, having differing attitudes toward money sure can spell trouble in a relationship. Take the wife who thinks nothing of spending $500 on a new purse married to a man who clutches his chest at the mere idea of forking over $5 for valet parking.

A successful relationship for some comes down to this: Do you and your mate agree about money? When a lavish spender is paired with a penny-watching saver, there are bound to be conflicts.

Money comes into play in other ways as well. With most couples, one person out-earns the other. Don't confuse earning power with relationship power. Your paycheck may be larger but in a happy relationship, power is shared.

Perhaps the most serious money-related quarrel comes when one partner is financially irresponsible. People who regularly forget to pay bills on time or leave the mortgage payment on the blackjack table need help beyond what you can provide in a relationship.

3. Spending the Neither Time.

There is work. There is sleep. And then there is the time when you do neither. It's that neither time that trips people up. Successful marriage tip: Take turns doing what your partner wants to do but also learn to do things by yourself. Alone time, when administered in the proper dosage, is a healing salve for most pairings.

4. Mismatched sex drives.

In every couple, one person wants to have more sex than the other. Sometimes it seems like you pass one libido between the two of you and you are never both in the mood at the same time. Dare we say this: Love means sometimes you need to get yourself in the mood, even when you'd rather be watching Downton Abbey.

Spice things up. Scheduling sex may be your best bet, although we are the first to admit that scheduled sex feels like a contradiction of terms. But if you don't schedule it, it's an invitation to frustration, irritability and feelings of rejection. Make dates. Add romance. Don't self-sabotage by over-eating or over-drinking.

5. Jealousy is an ugly beast.

Jealousy is not a measure of your affection. It is a measure of your insecurity. If you can't trust, you got nothin'. Spying on a spouse means things have already spun out of control. Does your mate flirt with others at parties -- or is that just her friendly nature? Was your husband interested in the new divorcee who moved in next door or was he really just being a good neighbor? Remember, jealousy is a comment on you.

Movie Friday-Michael Clayton

5 Reasons Why Parallel Parenting Is Better Than Co-Parenting

By--Tiffany Benyacko 

We are not those folks.

Those folks who are divorced and who have kids and who can actually mumble a "hello" to each other and actually mean it.

Those folks who are divorced, remarried and invite each other over to their kids' birthday parties.

We are not those folks.

What happens when you are divorced with kids and must have a relationship with your ex, knowing that you will never be those folks?

You're probably expecting me to say that co-parenting is the solution. Co-parenting is a parenting partnership that should occur when the parents are no longer married or were never married. This is the type of partnership where the parents consult each other on things regarding the child. No one parent makes decisions unless the other parent has given them the "okay." In other words, both parents can see past who is right/wrong; the kids are their only concern. They work together to raise their kids.

I knew of a divorced couple with kids. They both remarried. The woman became pregnant and her ex-husband and his wife were at the hospital to support the birth of her new baby.

Whoa!

We are not those folks. And I am fine with that. It has taken me seven years to be fine with that. During this time, I have looked for different ways to have a co-parenting relationship with my ex. I stumbled upon an article over at the Huffington Post that introduced me to a new term: Parallel Parenting. The author, Virginia Gilbert, explains that there are situations when co-parenting doesn't work. Everyone's situation is different and each person has to decide what's right for them.

For me, co-parenting made me feel like I had to have a mask on around my ex-husband. I was afraid to voice my own opinion about our daughter for fear of being seen as incapable. In other words, I had to "play nice." Why did I have to play anyway? Why couldn't I just be myself?

According to Psychology Today, parallel parenting is defined as "an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other."

Once I accepted that I could and needed to be myself, I no longer desired for my ex to see me as right. It no longer mattered. I had to let go trying to control every situation, because the ultimate goal of parallel parenting is reducing conflict and moving forward, with each parent parenting the child.

Although there was no physical violence in our relationship, my ex-husband and I were unable to communicate in a respectful manner and were in constant competition for who was the better parent. This led me to choose parallel parenting over co-parenting. And here are five reasons why:

1. It allows minimal interaction.

In the beginning, I would invite my ex-husband and his family to Tween Girl's birthday parties or other activities, only to have the invites refused or declined. Honestly, I was relieved because I felt that if they showed up, they would be so critical of everything! If we were all ever in the same space, the tension would be so thick. At the time, I felt these were things I had to do, I wanted Tween Girl to have parents who got along.

After many "keyboard confidence" emails received, I realized that the anxiety of forcefully interacting with each other was not yielding a result to which Tween Girl reaped good benefits. Once I adapted parallel parenting, we were able to agree on a visitation meeting location. If Tween Girl has events to attend, I provide the information to my ex-husband. The decision to attend is his own. Any interaction between visitations is based on his decision to do so.

2. We communicate via email only.

When face to face and phone conversations involve much yelling, it's time to find a better way to "communicate". Yelling and arguing reminded me too much of when we were married. Emails, in this situation, allow for individuals to state the facts without emotion.

A great reference, Crucial Conversations, helped me to learn how to state the facts; facts are what matter. Facts without emotion allow you to eliminate emotions that will prompt the other person to respond with more emotion. Somehow, all the facts get tossed out the window and you're left with a room full of emotions.

Emails can also be a form of proof. So, just as you wouldn't (hopefully) type a crazy email to your boss or anyone else that you may respect, you would not want to do so in this situation either.

Also, I had to get over the keyboard confidence my ex-husband gets from time to time.

3. There is no interference.

Since we were having trouble agreeing over even the simplest things, we definitely had trouble with each other's parenting styles. The world is comprised of many different types of people who do things, um ... differently. This "no interference" eliminates phones calls of "why did you allow ...".

I know that my ex-husband has Tween Girl's best interest at heart, and I hope that he knows the same for me. As the full custodial parent, I keep him updated on her latest activities and grades at school, all via email. If it's an urgent issue, there may be a phone call or discussion during drop-off.

No interference also means letting go of trying to control how my ex parents Tween Girl. If he decides to let her stay up all night -- not my house, not my rules. As a good friend said to me, "your ex-husband is an adult. Whatever happens to the children while they are in his care is on him." Letting go is key to making parallel parenting work.

4. It's more of a business arrangement.
High-performing employees show up at work and perform without spreading gossip, slacking off or discussing their latest wild escapades. When they interact with their co-workers, it is on a business level not an after-work, happy-hour friendship. Parallel parenting allows for parents to not get overly involved in each other's lives, worrying about how late he's letting her stay up at night or him not liking any decisions you make. Your child is your business.

5. It reduces stress.

This is a biggie for me. Before parallel parenting, I always had anxiety whenever my ex-husband's name showed up on my phone or email. Answering those calls or opening those emails meant stress. Since I've adopted parallel parenting, my correspondence has been crafted as such. As a result, my ex-husband has adapted to crafting his correspondence as well (with a lil bit of keyboard confidence every now and then).

My five reasons for choosing parallel parenting over co-parenting may seem harsh and may not work for everyone. But if you are divorced or in a "shared" parenting relationship, you know that parenting with an ex is not always a bed of roses. Some of us struggle with it but still want to love and support our kids.

I chose this method because it helps me to remove my emotions with my ex and focus on the love, support and care for Tween Girl. Her needs should never be overshadowed.

8 Divorce Hacks that Will Save You Time & Money

James J. Sexton 

New York divorce trial lawyer

Once you make the hard but important decision that you're going to get a divorce, one of the first things you have to face is the inevitable cost. And I'm not talking in the more esoteric sense of the term "cost" (like the emotional cost or interpersonal cost) I'm talking about two important resources: time and money. The latter is renewable the former is not. At the outset I make it clear to clients that I would rather you put YOUR children through college than mine.

Contrary to the beliefs of some, divorce attorneys do exist for a reason: even with the best of intentions, people who are divorcing often aren't fully aware of the ins and outs of the law, including what rights you have. Divorce isn't just about dividing up "stuff"--it's also about thinking through your own future (for example, retirement), ensuring your children are provided for, and creating fair divisions of assets that aren't easily divided up.

The truth is, by the time you decide to divorce, often that decisions is directly related to an inability to negotiate productively within the marriage. If there's an unequal distribution of power in the relationship, if there's a lack of trust on either side, or if there's simply an inability to understand one another or see eye to eye, the possibility of amicably and fairly disengaging from each other is usually slim to non-existant becomes almost impossible. Whether you like the idea of a divorce attorney or not, you might need one. (Luckily, a lot of us are actually nice people.)

On that note, here are my tips for keeping the legal aspects of your divorce as simple as possible, thus saving me time and you money.

Write down your goals.

Not only does writing down your goals help you figure out what you really want and need out of this process, it also is there as a reminder in case you lose your bearings. Everyone--and by that I mean everyone--gets emotional during a divorce, at some point. Having concrete goals helps you keep your s*** together. I tell clients all the time there are three things you should identify at the start of a divorce: what you need, what you want and what you're entitled to. (It's worth noting that that second thing is typically informed by that third thing).

Familiarize yourself with the family finances.

One of the biggest shocks for many people, male and female spouses alike, is how little we pay attention to the flow of incomings and outgoings. Spend a week or more using your spare time to go over your bank statements, bills, taxes, 401(k)s, insurance policies, and so on. Have all the documents on hand in case we need them, and make copies of the crucial stuff.  If you don't have access to a copier use a handy app like Scannable or Evernote (I use both all the time in my personal and professional life).  

Review everything your spouse reports.

Even with the best of intentions, mistakes can be made (on either side). People also lie like crazy sometimes when they're getting divorced. Review everything your spouse reports to make sure your reports line up.

Close joint accounts.

Any purchases made from joint accounts can create problems during the divorce, and you could end up paying for stuff you didn't buy or spending tons of money in legal fees trying to "sort out" what was pre-divorce and what was post-divorce.  Keep it simple. Close the joint accounts. . The simplest thing is just to close them. Online accounts, too: chances are you've logged into your email account from your spouse's phone, laptop or iPad, or vice versa; privacy is important now. Change passwords or close them down.  PLEASE NOTE, however, that you should either: (A) let your spouse know you're doing this before you do it (so they don't panic and think you're raiding the piggy bank; or (B) take only HALF of the money in the account and let your spouse know that you've left the remaining half in there for his or her sole and separate use.

Figure out how much money you need.

"Need" is a subjective term, but let's think about it this way: what is the amount of money that will allow you to live comfortably until and through your retirement, taking into account your lifestyle and your existing annual income? This is your goal going into the divorce.

Record all your expenses.

Collect all the records you have from the past year or two, and then keep a record of everything you spend from now until the divorce is finalized. This will help answer any questions that may come up about expenses.

Come to my office for legal advice--not personal advice.

I fully understand people seeking personal counsel during a divorce, because it's a seriously tough time, but your divorce attorney is likely not the best person to be providing emotional support. Frankly, we're not trained for it and we probably have a higher rate-per-hour than many people who ARE trained for it. If you need someone to talk to about the big stuff, there is zero shame in getting therapist -- I can even give you a referral. Plus, it has the added benefit that you and I can focus on what we can do best together: win your divorce.

Don't want to pay spousal support? Help your spouse get a job!

One of the most difficult positions to be in is that of a spouse who has sacrificed key career-building years to raising a family, to allow the other spouse to work, and then to face a divorce in which they are left without any professional skills to fall back on. I don't condone putting anyone in that position, regardless of what spousal support can be provided; I have seen many people in this position, and it's not a nice place to be. If you can hack it, commit some real effort, time and money into supporting your spouse in building skills and attaining a good professional situation.

It's a common misconception that divorce attorneys want long, miserable, drawn-out divorces--because that means more money from that one client. In fact, we usually want the opposite. A single difficult divorce can take up a lot of time and resources, and keep us from serving other clients--so I want to handle your divorce with as much efficiency and as little conflict as possible, without sacrificing in results.

You also might not be aware that divorce attorneys are often trained in (or have offices that offer) mediation as well as litigation. My office offers mediation services, and it is for some couples a less expensive and more tolerable option. Feel free to get in touch with us about our mediation services.