Making Love Last: Real Couples Share Their Stories

Couples in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 70s tell us how they make love and wedded bliss last.

By Suzanne Rust

Sarah and Jay Hatler---1st in a series

Sarah Hatler, 35, musician

Jay Hatler, 39, musician and music teacher

Years married: 13

Children: Elijah, 4, Zoe, 1 1⁄2

Arlington, Texas

Sometimes we almost miss the obvious. "My friends teased me about the new, good-looking trombone player my sophomore year in college. I wasn't sure who they were talking about because I was so focused on my music," Sarah recalls. "The next time we were all together, I realized there was a really handsome guy in my studio, and I wondered how I could have been so blind!" But once Sarah finally started spending time with Jay as a friend, she knew they had a future. "I remember telling myself it was okay that he took several months to ask me out, since we'd have our whole lives to spend together." She was right. Marriage and parenthood followed, and the latter left Jay with a newfound sense of respect. "After witnessing the birth of my children, I hold my wife, and women in general, in even higher esteem. I have no idea how after having one child a woman agrees to have more. The physical and mental challenges are mind-blowing!" Sarah appreciates Jay's heart most of all. "He can seem like a really serious and tough guy, but he's so caring and loving, and he isn't ashamed to show it. He writes a poem to each child on every birthday and reads it out loud when we're celebrating with family. There's not a dry eye in the room." The two musicians have spent extended periods apart but realized it was not healthy for their marriage, so they won't take jobs that would put too much time and distance between them. And while both cherish what they have together, they recognize the importance of holding on to oneself. "Attack life as a team, but allow the other to remain an individual. Don't lose yourself in all the sacrifices you make for each other and the family," says Jay. "Just because you're married with kids doesn't mean you need to let your identity fade."

 More thoughts from Jay: 

How have you created a balance in your lives when it comes to working, parenting, cooking, taking care of the house, managing finances, etc.? 

The biggest challenge for us is the financial thing. Having one musician in a relationship is hard enough financially, but two? That's a recipe for disaster. As far as domestic responsibilities, I'd say it's about 60/40—Sarah being the 60 and me the 40. She does a great job with the financial side and staying on top of things the kids need.

 How do you handle your problems and disagreements? 

We don't really have too many issues. But when we do, I'm usually really passively aggressive for a few days, and then we end up talking it out.

What the most difficult thing about being married? 

This question has always seemed odd to me. I've never found marriage to be all that difficult. If it's that difficult, then why stay in it? And this is where I jinx myself.

More thoughts from Sarah:

 How did having children change your relationship? 

Having children has made our marriage stronger because we always wanted kids, and feeling like your family is complete is very reassuring. Being parents has made our bond stronger; we take such pride in seeing the amazing little people we made together. It's a challenge because we're pretty much always tired and hardly ever get to do stuff without the kids around. There's no such thing as a lazy day anymore!

Have you created a balance in your lives when it comes to working, parenting, cooking, taking care of the house, managing finances, etc.?

 I think we have a good balance. We each do what we're better suited to doing. I got very lucky in finding a man who is helpful around the house and doesn't need to be asked multiple times to do something. Growing up with a single mom who did it all, it was an adjustment when we had kids because I felt that as the mom, I should be doing most of the work with the baby. I remember Jay telling me that he was as responsible for our child as I was and wanted to do more. We're a team when it comes to parenting; we don't keep score, and we both put the kids to bed together, take turns in the mornings and more.