Batya Zamir-Van Buren and Richard Van Buren
Batya Zamir-Van Buren, 73, artist, dancer and psychotherapist
Richard Van Buren, 78, artist and sculptor
Years married: 47
Children: Shula, 46, and Zak, 38
Perry, Maine
Richard was initially drawn to Batya's "beauty and high energy," but there was a moment when everything clicked. "It was the night I decided I was going to break off our relationship because I thought it would be too much work. Batya got angry and hit me on the side of the head with her purse. Then I knew she was the one—she really cared!" For Batya, affection for the "tall, very good-looking man" flowed organically. "I don't think there was one particular moment. Just a slow realization after a few dates that there was some deep sense of connection. I felt he 'knew' me in ways others didn't."
Still, Batya is honest about the adjustment it takes to commit. "The most difficult thing about being married is the need to constantly pay attention to the other. It requires tremendous work. And in our case it has been how to communicate through differences in thinking and feeling."
The couple, proud parents of two "creative, loving beings," have enjoyed a four-decades-plus marriage and taken everything that comes with it. "We've gone through tremendous changes. Our life and development have been a process and a real roller-coaster ride of emotions in all areas," says Batya. At one point the two separated, which they both still recall with sadness. "It was a terrible, terrible situation. But we survived," says Richard. "An extremely painful period," adds Batya, "and yet we learned a lot about ourselves. It seems that important growth and positive change happen during hard times." Richard also sees the upside. "Friction is not negative. Without it you don't feel as much."
When are they happiest? "When we are being loving to each other," says Batya. "And when he's sculpting and I'm dancing." Richard happily adds, "I like the fact that she's beginning to learn to laugh. Her honesty is sometimes brutal, but it gives me great trust in our relationship...and I love to watch her dance."
More thoughts from Richard:
How do you handle your problems and disagreements?
I usually start off arguing in a very loud voice, and I try to keep the intensity up until I see some daylight; then I can begin to possibly see Batya's point of view.
How did having children change your relationship?
When we had our first child, it felt like our telephone was disconnected. Most of my artist friends stopped calling. They did not know how to deal with even the idea of a family with children. Having a family in the New York art world was unusual in my peer group. Batya and I had no standard to compare or learn how to raise children in Soho. It was a period of consciously supporting the family. Before then, economics was nothing I took seriously. Being parents to our children made it very clear to me that art was not the only way to develop as a human being. I found great joy in my children. I have tremendous pride in both of them. They are creative, loving beings. My daughter is an actress and my son is completing his first novel.
What's the most difficult thing about being married?
To realize you live in a world that's bigger than yourself.
More thoughts from Batya:
In which ways does Richard bring out the best in you?
In the early years of our relationship, Richard was more adventuresome than I and more willing to take chances. He was more secure with spontaneity and traveling to foreign countries without a plan. He was more secure with our meager economics, always thinking that things would work out. I have to thank him for our home in Maine, which at the time it was bought I thought we would never be able to afford the payments. And now it's our primary residence. It's a quiet place where I can hear myself think and where my connection to nature has provided me with much peace.
How do you handle your problems and disagreements?
In the early years our emotionality over a given issue would make it difficult to hear each other. There was a lot of yelling trying to be heard by the other, as if raising our voices would facilitate that. But in time, and with a lot of therapy, we are better these days at hearing each other. Sometimes it still takes time to get to that point where we can hear and understand what the other is saying. There's a painful feeling of disconnection when we disagree. It's as if he no longer knows me.
How have you created a balance in your lives when it comes to working, parenting, cooking, taking care of the house, managing finances, etc.?
We've gone through tremendous changes over the years. Our life and development have been a process and a real roller-coaster ride of emotions and changes in all the areas mentioned. Our children no longer live at home, so there are fewer personalities to deal with on a daily basis. Nevertheless, with just Richard and me there's still, and always will be, a highly charged dynamic, which most of the time is very positive.
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