9 Things Men Hate Hearing From Their Wives

Brittany WongDivorce Editor, The Huffington Post

You’re bound to say some tone-deaf things to your spouse every so often ― but there are some phrases you should absolutely never say. We asked couple therapists to share the most annoying things men report hearing from their spouses. (Of course, it goes both ways ― click here for the annoying things husbands say to their wives.)

 1. “Nevermind, I’ll just do it myself.”

 Marriage pro tip: When you ask your spouse to call the plumber to fix the sink, give him a chance to do it. Rolling your eyes and saying, “nevermind, I’ll do it myself” may result in you getting your sink fixed sooner, but it’s also likely to rub your spouse the wrong way. “Chances are, he wants to help you and make you happy,” said Anne Crowley, an Austin, Texas-based psychologist. “It’s a frustrating phrase for a husband to hear because it suggests you don’t think he’s capable of completing the task and don’t need him.”

 2. “You should have known.” 

You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect your hubby to decipher every last gesture and statement you make, said Ryan Howes, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California. “Women become upset when their husbands can’t read between the lines or read their minds but guys are notoriously poor mind readers,” he said. “Wives will save themselves a lot of grief if they can come to accept this and just ask for what they want.”

 3. “Do you think she’s hot?”

 Do you really want to know your husband’s thoughts about an attractive woman? Probably not ― plus, you’re putting your spouse in an uncomfortable, no-win situation, said Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men. “Most men have already identified the pretty women in the room; if he’s trying to respect you then he should be already trying not to look, so you pointing her out will only make him more self-conscious, uncomfortable and unsure of what to do to not upset you or hurt your feelings,” he said.

 4. “We need to talk.”

 No four words strike fear into a married man’s heart quite like “we need to talk.” Opt for something less ominous sounding the next time you bring up an issue, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a therapist and author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted. “The phrase ‘we need to talk’ is often a signal that the wife has complaints or criticism about the husband,” she said. “He assumes he somehow failed you and withdraws, creating a disconnect, which is the exact opposite of what you were trying to accomplish.”

 5. “Man up.” 

Seriously? There’s no right or wrong way to be a man. For your spouse’s sake, let your gender expectations go and try to have a civil conversation. “Telling your spouse to ‘man up’ is a brutal attack on his core identity,” Howes said. “It’s a statement loaded with contempt and shame and could create relationship damage that will be difficult to heal.”

 6. “Pick up after yourself. I’m not your mother.” 

There are better ways to encourage your spouse to put his dirty socks in the hamper than telling him you’re tired of feeling like his mom. “Bringing up mom piles baggage onto what’s probably already a loaded situation,” Smith said. “Many men are sensitive about their relationship with their mother, so suggesting he still wants or needs his mom is not a way to encourage him to change behavior you don’t like.”

 7. “You never, you should have, you ought to...”

Sorry, but chiding your spouse about how he never does the dishes (or takes out the trash or drives the kids to school) isn’t likely to inspire change, Berger said. “Saying someone ‘never’ does something leaves no wiggle room for improvement ― it’s like casting a fault of his in stone,” she said. “It’s much better to say, ‘I’d appreciate it if you would empty the dishwasher tonight,’ for example. And when he does, thank him and you can expect more help in the future.”

 8. “You’ve put on a few pounds lately, huh?”

 Instead of pointing out changes in your spouse’s appearance, be supportive and tell him you’d love if he joined you at your cycle class sometime, said Becky Whetstone, a Little Rock, Arkansas-based therapist. “Insinuating that his body is not like it once was will shrink his confidence ― and he’ll probably up his calorie intake just to spite you!”

 9. “You’re going out with the guys again?” 

Don’t look at Fantasy Football meet-ups and golf trips as threats to your marriage. It’s quite the opposite, actually; some time apart will likely do your relationship good, Howes said. “Yes, sometimes a guy’s night is just an excuse to drink and fart but for many guys these are crucial times to connect, seek advice, get support and express some important emotions,” he said. “Wives who feel threatened by this or forbid their husband from attending may be cutting off a vital support system.” The biggest bonus of guy time, according to Howes? “There’s a good chance he’ll actually be a better husband if he can compare notes with other husbands and dads.”

11 Reasons Divorce Is Better Than Staying In A Bad Marriage

When you’re considering divorce ― or reeling from your ex’s decision to end the marriage ― it’s easy to focus on the negatives: How will I possibly get by living on my own again? How will the kids be impacted by this? Am I doomed to be alone for the rest of my life?

While those concerns are understandable, it’s equally important to focus on the good that can come of being single. Below, HuffPost Divorce bloggers share 11 reasons divorce is preferable to staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage. 

1. Marriage may give you a sense of security but divorce gives you a new lease on life. 

“Staying in a bad marriage can provide security because at least you know how your life will go. But getting a divorce gives you hope ― the hope to be who you want to be, the hope to be happy and the hope to find someone else to love.” ―Barry Gold

2. Being a single parent is better than modeling an unhealthy relationship. 

“If you’re a parent with young kids, getting a divorce is better than staying in a badmarriage because these are formative years for them. They will likely seek out and emulate the types of relationships they see modeled. I want my relationships to be happy, healthy and mutually respectful, so that my children never settle for anything else in their own lives.” ― Lindsey Light 

3. Divorce clears the way for you to meet the right partner.

“Divorce is painful but it’s kind of like pulling off a Band-Aid: The anticipation is horrible but once it’s over, it’s pure relief. Bonus: It allows you the freedom to meet the person you were meant to be with!” ― Al Corona 

4. You get to focus on you for once.

“After divorce, you find yourself again and fall in love with the wonderful attributes that make you you. As a mother especially, you can parent with just your own mama instincts and all your love and energy can flow into your little one(s). You find genuine peace and happiness and an appreciation for life that may have been sucked out of you during your bad marriage.” ― Shelley Cameron 

5. Divorce isn’t the worst thing that can happen to your kids. Enduring a hostile home life is.

“After my first wife and mother of my five children left us permanently, I felt like going through divorce was the worst thing that could happen to a family. So when my second marriage was falling apart, as my kids sole and single parent, I was desperate to protect them from the trauma of another divorce. As a result, I kept the family in a situation that wasn’t good for any of us. The reality is, the worst thing for your children is for them to live in a hostile home and have them see you unhappy. My life and my children’s’ lives have gotten better and happier with each passing day after the divorce.” ― Matt Sweetwood  

6. There’s a big difference between loneliness and solitude. 

“My divorce helped me discover the gift of solitude when I once experienced the pain of loneliness. Now that I’ve learned to enjoy being alone, I’m free from that awful feeling of separation that comes from being with the wrong person.” ―Tammy Letherer

7. You and your partner may be stifling each other’s growth.

“I feel that divorce should rarely be the first choice because generally the only thing keeping a ‘bad’ marriage from being a ‘good’ marriage is sustained mutual effort. That being said, there are times that divorce is the best choice in order to allow both partners to grow and achieve the life they desire, and in some scenarios, the life they deserve.” ― Derick Turner 

8. A happier parent is a better parent. 

“Learning to let go and step into the unknown may be the single most important thing you can do for your own sanity and the sanity of those around you. Divorce proves that you have the courage to live a life of happiness. And if you’re happier, you’ll be a far more effective parent.” ― Carey Fan 

9. You can devote your energy to other important areas of your life. 

“If you have done all the work of trying to make the marriage better and nothing is changing, finding the courage to leave and move forward pays off in the long run. The pay off? You stop putting all your energy into a relationship that no longer works and put more energy into yourself and your kids.” ― Cherie Morris

10. You deserve a partner who’s just as invested in the relationship as you are. 

“Divorce is preferable to a marriage without love. We all deserve to be loved. I never want to be in a marriage where that partnership isn’t sacred and a priority.” ―Carly Israel

11. You lose a spouse but you gain happiness.  

“Divorce brought me happiness. Life is far too short to spend it immersed in an unhealthy relationship.” ― Nicole Lavery

14 Times Wedding Guests Knew The Marriage Would End In Divorce

5 Things My Ex-Husband Could Have Done To Save Our Marriage

By Audrey Cade for DivorcedMoms.com

 Five years have passed since my divorce. I was depressed and devastated by the demise of my relationship, and disappointed that my marriage had come to an end — but I can honestly say that I don’t regret now that this was the outcome. I acknowledge that I had a part in the demise of our union. I recognize that little-by-little I turned away from him and our actions toward one another slowly dissolved the connection we once had. Upon reflection, I can identify five critical things that he could have done differently throughout our marriage that could have saved it.

 1. Make me feel special.

 The once girlfriend, me, used to feel treasured and important to the once boyfriend him. This is an all-to-common predicament of romantic relationships. The initial glow of dating brings out the best in all of us, and we see the best in each other. Over time, the feelings of excitement and admiration tend to fade behind the drudgery of everyday responsibilities and familiarity. I was not naïve to think that our relationship would carry on indefinitely buoyed by clouds of first love energy. I knew a marriage would take work to remain strong, yet I hoped that I could continue to feel special as a wife. Sadly, he stopped making the effort to continue doing the little things to show he cared about me or thought of me as more than a co-habitant of his home, the maid, or mother of his children. I have since remarried, and I appreciate how much of a commitment it is to keep feeding the flame every day and to let your partner know, every day, how much they are loved and appreciated. My husband and I were both previously married; therefore, we are much more aware of how fragile and precious our marriage is and how necessary it is to never take one another for granted.

 2. Help out. 

According to traditional gender roles, the man works outside the home and completes more “manly” jobs, such as mowing the lawn, while the wife cares for the children and the home. My relationship mirrored those ideals, with the exception that I also worked full time. My days became filled with running in circles working, taking care of children, and eventually being responsible for all of the household chores. By the conclusion of our marriage, I was the one who did all of the shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and the majority of child-rearing tasks. Somehow I managed it all. As years of bearing most of the weight of our household began to take their toll on me, I became resentful and angry. I finally convinced him to agree to take on one household chore to help me out: washing the dishes. He did as promised a few times, then we ended in a power struggle because he refused to continue doing them. I didn’t want to feel like I was his mother telling him what to do; yet, the only way I could get him to pull his weight was to nag. One spouse cannot be left to feel responsible for everything with little or no help.

 3. Make the marriage a priority.

 A marriage is like a flower that requires love and care to flourish. By the time we work eight hours or more in a day, sleep another eight hours at night, complete daily chores, and run around with the kids, there’s not much husband-wife time left. I was usually exhausted by the time I put the kids in bed and, disgusted because I felt like I had moved all of the day’s mountains myself. I often tried to get his attention during the evening to talk or spend time together. He developed a routine of coming home from work, plopping down in his recliner, eating his dinner in front of the TV, and not diverting his time or attention to myself or the kids for anything. He probably gave up on me because I was so wrapped up with the kids, and perhaps he didn’t feel that I had any time for him. To be fair, our marriage did need to come first — even before the kids. I had my priorities backwards for a long time because I thought that once I became a mother, they should come first. It was hard for me to recognize that for us to remain healthy, we needed to leave the kids with a sitter and go out on a date and find other ways to keep watering our flower and helping it grow. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I did what I did in my attempt to be the perfect mom, and he probably tuned me out because he felt like it was pointless to try.

 4. Grow with me. 

The superstition that breaking a mirror causes seven years of bad luck originates from a belief that one’s physical being is recreated every seven years; so, if you break a mirror, the soul could become entrapped in the shards of glass and take seven years to become whole again. I relate this to the growth and development that takes place within each person throughout life, seven years at a time. Your reflection in a mirror looks more mature in seven-year increments, and your perspectives, knowledge, and experiences grow by those leaps, as well. We are not the same people we once were. This is a natural transformation that occurs, made more complicated by sharing life with another who is also continually growing and changing. A couple has to work to grow together by staying connected through shared activities and interests, learning, experiencing life, and staying on the same path together. The more wise and mature version of yourself may not have much in common with the former you; but a couple needs to keep growing in sync by taking an interest in each other’s passions and progress to be sure to still have enough in common with one another to keep the relationship strong. Compatibility doesn’t mean that you still have everything in common, but you should still be intrigued and in sync. My ex and I grew from one seed into two sprawling vines, no longer recognizable to the other. I found myself speechless by things he would say, thinking to myself, “I don’t agree with that!” or embarrassed to be associated with the person he had become.

 5. Break up with the porn habit.

 I understand that men like to look, and temptations for lust are everywhere. I wanted to please my husband and be available to him. We became out-of-sync when I often went to bed at about 9pm to be ready to get up early the next morning while he often stayed up past midnight. I discovered that after I went to sleep, he would stay up to watch porn. I was most hurt by the fact that he chose to do this behind my back, rather than making me a part of his needs and desires. It made me feel undesirable, not “good enough,” and betrayed for keeping this side of himself from me. This progressed to create deeper problems with our intimacy and a bigger wedge between us.

Movie Friday-Legally Blonde

When a blonde sorority queen is dumped by her boyfriend, she decides to follow him to law school to get him back and, once there, learns she has more legal savvy than she ever imagined.

A Sincere Thank You

I would like to thank a few people who are responsible for a tremendous victory for The Law Offices of Cathy A. Marino.  First, to the Suffolk Superior Jury who heard the case.  Seven men and women, who did their civic duty, before and after a holiday weekend.  They took three days out of their busy lives to listen attentively, takes notes, and weigh the evidence in a fair, thoughtful and considered way. To Judge Douglas Wilkens, for conducting a smooth, even handed trial.
Thank you to Robert Strasnick of Principe and Strasnick of Saugus, MA, who presented the case brilliantly.  It's never easy having an attorney for a client, and Rob rose to the occasion, and never wavered in his faith that we would obtain a just result.  Finally, to my staff, who supported me, and insured that every 'T' was crossed, and every 'I' was dotted.  I am blessed to have them all for employees.

9 Conversations Married Men Dread Having, According To Therapists

From Huffington Post--

What conversations do guys really wish they could avoid having with their spouses?

Below, marriage therapists share nine things men complain about when they’re in their offices. 

1. “I know it’s late, but we need to talk...”

The next time something needs to be addressed, save the conversation for the morning, said Elisabeth J. LaMotte, a psychotherapist and founder of the DC Counseling and Psychotherapy Center. “We need to talk” conversations tend to be of a higher quality if you wait until you’re both well rested and ready to talk.

“The tension between women wanting to talk and men wanting to sleep is the stuff of old T.V. sitcoms,” she said. “Still, these days, there really is an epidemic of sleep-deprived couples lacking adequate communication.”

2. “Those shorts make you look like a teenager. Maybe you should wear something else?”

You dislike it when your spouse makes snide remarks about your new haircut or favorite baggy shirt. He probably feels the same way when you side-eye his new cargo pants, said Susan Heitler, a psychologist based in Denver, Colorado. 

“Who are you to set the standard of dress for him?” she said. “And ‘you should’ is a sure way to invite him to feel that you’re being too controlling.”

3. “I would have preferred if you just got me a card!” 

It’s the thought that counts with gifts, right? Still, chances are, your S.O. reallythought buying that pricey handbag the Macy’s salesperson pushed on him was thoughtful and generous. Acknowledge it with a simple “thank you,” even if you’re thinking, “That price tag! You shouldn’t have,” said M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist based in Miami Beach, Florida.

“Men like to feel like winners in their spouses’ eyes and get disheartened when they make attempts that are not met with enthusiasm,” Neuman said. “A spouse is better off being gracious and appreciative and then later outlining gestures that would be more meaningful.” 

4. “My ex would never do that.” 

Comparisons to exes only breeds contempt, said Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men. 

“It’s not uncommon for husbands to be living in the shadow of their partners’ exes,” he said. “But there are probably good reasons why you’re no longer with those other guys. Comparing your partner to your exes or to a best friend’s partner or even to ‘The Bachelor’ is unfair and makes men feel unloved.” 

5. “Ugh, I hate how you leave the dishes in the sink.”

You may want your spouse to be a little more diligent about the dishes or wish he’d slow down when driving, but there’s a right and wrong way to issue your complaint, reminded Tammy Nelson, a sex and relationship therapist and the author of The New Monogamy. Who wants to hear non-constructive criticism, whether you’re a man or woman? 

“Instead, use phrases that show appreciation for what he could do right,” she said. “Say ‘I appreciate it when you do it this way instead’ or ‘I love when you rub my back softly.‘ Always remember, you get more of what you appreciate.”

6. “All you want is sex.” 

Yes, sex is a huge motivator in our lives but you’re insulting your spouse by assuming he’s only lending a hand in the hopes of it leading to sex, said Neuman. 

“Men do enjoy and desire sex but they hate when they’re trying to do something nice for their spouse and are suspected of ulterior motives,” he said. “It may even be true at the moment, but it doesn’t mean that it’s the only reason they do stuff.” 

7. “You never take out the trash. You always just let it pile up.”  

The trash is a placeholder for just about anything here. The important thing to note is that using all-encompassing, accusatory blanket terms like “never” and “always” is a very bad idea, said Nelson. 

“No one ever does anything ‘always’ or ‘never’ so take those two words out of your vocabulary,” she said. “Keep the conversation focused on what is happening now and avoid words that lump behavior into such huge categories.”

8. “Yes, but...” 

Agreeing with something, then adding “yes, but...” dismisses everything said before it, Heitler said. 

“But deletes whatever came before,” she said. “No man (or woman) likes to have what he or she said dismissed like that.” 

9. “Remember when you made that one mistake, seven years ago?”

Maybe your partner forgot your anniversary a few years back. Maybe he made plans with his buddies on a weekend when you were headed to your parents. Whatever the case may be — whatever the mistake was — if you’ve forgiven him for doing it in the past, do your relationship a favor and let it go, said Smith. 

“A lot of guys feel like they can never escape their past because their wife never forgets about any mistake they’ve ever made,” he said. “And they hear about every one of those mistakes every single time they screw up.” 

The reality is, said Smith, “when a man feels like he never gets validated or appreciated for what he does right it usually leads him to tune his wife out.”